After Emmetts tramautic birth, I suffered (still do- though thankfully not as bad) with anxiety/post traumatic stress.We've already discussed my horrific surgery, which was just the tip of the iceberg. My mind was placed on such a high alert, where it feared for life or death (for Emmett) on a daily (hourly) basis, for an extended period of time. It hit a peak one horrible, heartbreaking afternoon where I witnessed him stop breathing and his heart stop. I sat there not breathing myself, as an entire team surrounded his bed and miraculously resusitated him. His nurse described it as "pulling him back from heaven by his toes." I had never in my life felt so much gratitude, but the blow left me wounded. I couldn't stop crying for hours, and from that moment my brain was constantly preparing itself for the chance it happened again. This intese, wracking worry never ceased for the 96 days he was in the NICU. And when he came home with oxygen and monitors, my mind stayed in hyper-mode.
A year later, when all traces of the NICU were gone, and my mind couldn't pull itself out of panic - I knew I needed help. The mind is a tricky thing, and one major contributor to my anxiety was blame. I felt horrible watching him suffer through countless situations, knowing the reason he was there was because my body couldn't keep him inside. I wondered if I could have changed anything. I had a deep rooted fear that something out of my control would come and take him from me. At this point it wasn't just fears related to his breathing. It was ANYTHING that posed a threat to him. I still fight this fear off.
Elder Holland described it so well:
"The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time,2 and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!
No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."
I never told anyone this. It took me probably almost two years to even tell Jared. I kept hoping it would go away, and wasn't sure if the fears I had were normal "mom worries". Aside from that, I literally could not talk about it. I couldn't even THINK about it. My mind had taken those six months of my life, boxed them up, and buried them down far enough that they wouldn't hurt me. To try to touch that box was too painful, too much for my mind to tolerate. So it just sat there, the walls around it growing thicker and thicker.
Choosing to talk to someone about it was one of the best things I've done. I'm proud I forced myself to open the box back up, no matter how painful it was. The very first time was like pulling teeth but it got easier and easier and I actually came to look forward to it.
Elder Holland went on to say:
Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed
What peaceful, comforting words :)
I have mentioned more than once on this blog what a trial of faith my second pregnancy was. Now you understand a little more fully. I was willingly placing myself back in the situation I had buried so far away. Facing down the demons that still haunted me. And still, my BIGGEST fear was the same it had always been: something out of my control (pre-eclampsia) hurting Emmett (this time by taking me from him). Though chances were small and I was in good hands, I couldn't bear that thought.
Elder Holland included a quote from a talk given by President Monsen.
“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4
If anyone reading this feels sad or discouraged, I hope you know you are not alone. We are never alone, even in our darkest moments. That is one thing I've always been sure of.
