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From the time Emmett was a little toddler, I knew the first day of Kindergarten was going to be rough. I knew I’d miss him terribly and the huge milestone would make me curse the cruelty of time. What I didn’t anticipate was the overwhelming grief for the ending of a chapter – that of course I was/am not ready to let go.
As a young mom filling your day with playdates, the park, the library, the zoo – you find your groove, and decide this “mom life” is pretty fun. You go about your days making pancakes and building legos, thinking this is how it will always be. Until… one sudden day it isn’t. As I carefully packed the superhero school supplies we went shopping for yesterday, I tried to shush the voices in my head telling me “You won’t be there when he uses this. You won’t be there to make sure he’s happy, that he finds his way to bathroom, that all his classmates are nice to him.”
It’s hard business this Mom thing. Raising your heart outside your body and protecting it from every bump, scrape, and sadness is exhausting and terrifying. But sending your heart away- and entrusting it in the hands of people you don’t even really know, that can only be done through faith. Faith that you have done your job well enough. Faith in your child’s strength and resilience. Faith in the capable hands you’ve passed over the reins to. And Faith that the Lord is watching over.
Happy First day of School little man. I am so proud of you.
(You can tell which photos are off my camera, and which were taken on my phone. Dang iphone doesnt take as quality photos as I thought!)
Despite my sad post above, we had a good first day. Emmett was courageous and happy as usual, giving me a big hug and smile when I said goodbye. I, on the other hand, was swallowing the giant lump in my throat and blinking back the tears. I mostly contained myself til I reached the car, then I stopped fighting it. I headed over to pick up Tate from a friends, and stayed and chatted with her for awhile which was a nice distraction.
Tate asked for Emmett as soon as we got back in the car, then called for him around our house when we walked in. I gave myself a bit in the morning to cry and be sad, then realized it wasn't too much longer til Emmett's lunchtime! (Which Tate and I were going to meet him for) We headed back down to the school together and Tate was really excited about the atmosphere and seeing Emmett. It melted my emotional mommy heart to see Emmett reach over and put his arm around Tate, showing he'd missed him too. It made me feel so much better to see Emmett happy and doing well at lunch. He was chatting with a new friend, excitedly told me he'd already taken a trip to the library, and said he was having a good day. When lunch was over, I watched him line up and walk to his classroom again - this time feeling more confident.
I worked on some housework and spent some time with Tate in the afternoon. I wasn't too productive from being so emotionally drained. I heard the preschool bus he used to ride pull up out front to drop off the girl across the street, and got a little sad again but shook it off. Before I knew it we were down to 45 minutes til it was time to load up and get Emmett!! I was pleasantly surprised how the day went by quicker than I anticipated. Visiting him at lunch definitely helped, and I think we'll be doing that often.
Hearing "Mommy!!!" and seeing the electric smile light up your kids face when you've been away is one of the very best feelings. I was lucky enough to get it both at lunch, and after school pick-up. He came out wearing his special hat he made that said "I survived my first day of kindergarten". I read and it and thought to myself "yes, yes you did!" I had survived. I hope he continues to like it more and more as they get to do more activities. I am excited for him to get to do P.E!.
Though I'd gained confidence by the end of the day, It does make me sad thinking tomorrow I have to start it all over! Hopefully it will get easier and easier over time!
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