the broken vessel

I was really excited for conference this session, I love hearing what messages the prophets are inspired to deliver to us. I was particularly touched by Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel". He spoke to those affected by depression, or suffering from any mental ailment really, but on a level that applied to every single one of us.

After Emmetts tramautic birth, I suffered (still do- though thankfully not as bad) with anxiety/post traumatic stress.We've already discussed my horrific surgery, which was just the tip of the iceberg.  My mind was placed on such a high alert, where it feared for life or death (for Emmett) on a daily (hourly) basis, for an extended period of time. It hit a peak one horrible, heartbreaking afternoon where I witnessed him stop breathing and his heart stop. I sat there not breathing myself, as an entire team surrounded his bed and miraculously resusitated him. His nurse described it as "pulling him back from heaven by his toes." I had never in my life felt so much gratitude, but the blow left me wounded. I couldn't stop crying for hours, and from that moment my brain was constantly preparing itself for the chance it happened again. This intese, wracking worry never ceased for the 96 days he was in the NICU. And when he came home with oxygen and monitors, my mind stayed in hyper-mode.

 A year later, when all traces of the NICU were gone, and my mind couldn't pull itself out of panic - I knew I needed help. The mind is a tricky thing, and one major contributor to my anxiety was blame. I felt horrible watching him suffer through countless situations, knowing the reason he was there was because my body couldn't keep him inside. I wondered if I could have changed anything. I had a deep rooted fear that something out of my control would come and take him from me. At this point it wasn't just fears related to his breathing. It was ANYTHING that posed a threat to him. I still fight this fear off.

Elder Holland described it so well:

"The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time,² and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."

I never told anyone this. It took me probably almost two years to even tell Jared. I kept hoping it would go away, and wasn't sure if the fears I had were normal "mom worries". Aside from that, I literally could not talk about it. I couldn't even THINK about it. My mind had taken those six months of my life, boxed them up, and buried them down far enough that they wouldn't hurt me. To try to touch that box was too painful, too much for my mind to tolerate. So it just sat there, the walls around it growing thicker and thicker.

Choosing to talk to someone about it was one of the best things I've done. I'm proud I forced myself to open the box back up, no matter how painful it was. The very first time was like pulling teeth but it got easier and easier and I actually came to look forward to it.

Elder Holland went on to say:

Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed

What peaceful, comforting words :)

I have mentioned more than once on this blog what a trial of faith my second pregnancy was. Now you understand a little more fully. I was willingly placing myself back in the situation I had buried so far away. Facing down the demons that still haunted me. And still, my BIGGEST fear was the same it had always been: something out of my control (pre-eclampsia) hurting Emmett (this time by taking me from him). Though chances were small and I was in good hands, I couldn't bear that thought.

Elder Holland included a quote from a talk given by President Monsen.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”⁴

If anyone reading this feels sad or discouraged, I hope you know you are not alone. We are never alone, even in our darkest moments. That is one thing I've always been sure of.

the epic reunion of all reunions

We've tossed around the idea of having a college roommate reunion for over five years now, and finally decided to make it happen! I am SO glad we did because I [almost!] forgot how much I love these girls! They were my home away from home, about as close to sisters as it gets.

Aimee and Becky were the real troopers, flying in all the way from Boston and California! We stayed at an adorable little chalet in Midway, Utah.

Here's some pictures of our makeshift "Ridge" apartment (The Ridge was the complex we all lived in at BYU-Idaho)

Here's Aimee showing off our little kitchen. Notice her amazing shoes... Aimee's always had the best shoes :)

This would be the giant King bed I got to sleep in alllll by myself. You better believe I fully stretched out on that thing!!

Here we are chillin in our little living room

In true girls weekend fashion, we spent time in the hot tub, had endless hours of reminiscing and girl talk, brought masseuses right to our room, and dined and shopped to our hearts content. It was marvelous! Just what this tired, stressed prego needed.

Of course we had to hit up City Creek!

I know it was more than just coincidence me and these girls were assigned to live together. We are all so similar, yet just different enough to make living together enjoyable :) Miss you girls and can't wait til the next reunion!

and then there were four

So if you haven't heard the news by now...

We are expecting baby #2!! 

While we are thrilled, this isn't a decision that was taken lightly. It has taken me over three years to come to terms with the idea, and I still have the "what did I get myself into?!" feeling on almost a daily basis. To be honest, when I got the positive test result, I went into my room and cried for about twenty minutes (I don't think Jared even knows this). I was terrified. So many buried memories fought their way to the surface of my conciousness and burst out like a flood. Was I strong enough to do this again?

That being said, I am having SUCH a better pregnancy this time around, and am taking it as a sign that it's heading in a better direction (that or its a girl ;) My prediction is both! Despite my negative first paragraph, I have been striving to remain optimistic and am surprised that I haven't been as anxious as I anticipated. That will be put to the test once I pass my 20 week mark (I'm 13 right now).

Most people are curious what the doctors have told me regarding the possibility of pre-eclampsia reoccuring. So I will pass along the information I've gleened.... "WE DON'T KNOW". (Comforting right?) No, but before even considering pregnancy, I had a lengthy sit down with Maternal Fetal Medicine and the Perinatologist helped lay out some numbers for me. Unfortunately, the earlier the pre-eclampsia occurs and the more severe it is, the more likely to return in subsequent pregnancies. (Double strikes against me, considering I had it about as early and severe as it comes). The doctor said in cases as mine, the odds he gives for reoccurence is about 2/3 (66%). Of that 66%, 1/3 of it is a possibility it could onset even earlier than Emmett (which was 26 weeks), 1/3 is a possibility it comes as the same time, and 1/3 is a possibility it will occur - but be later into the pregnancy.

SO - that's a lot of fractions huh? It breaks down to about 44% it will hit extremely early again, 22% I will be affected later in the pregnancy, and 34% I will not experience it at all. Obviously I'm praying daily for the latter!! Factors I have in my favor are that I do not have any diseases/conditons they suspect to be related (such as lupus), and I'm young and healthy with good blood pressure. 

While a little bit overwhelmed, I know this is part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know he loves me and wants only the best for me. I truly feel in my heart that this experience is going to go better, and I'm comforted by the daily reminders that I have SO many people pulling for me/looking out for me. I feel like everytime I start to doubt, God sends some little reminder that I'm being watched over :)

I will continue to keep you updated of my status, and I'm sure there will be some belly pics soon!

the most precious gift

Of all the gifts I received this Christmas, there is one that stands out the most. It's the one that has the most meaning, and the one I'm sure I will cherish for years to come. This one came from Santa, and is something I've been wanting for a long time :)

Everytime I look at it, it brings tears to my eyes. Something inside me is stirred up - because I'd seen this image countless times in my head before I ever laid eyes on this painting.

During the many sleepless nights, as I prayed with all my might before falling asleep, this is the answer I would receive. Emmett was in the best hands possible. His every step, movement, and breath was being watched over. And someday soon, he would be the miraculous perfect, healthy boy I dreamed of.

When the pokes, procedures, and frights were too much to bear - again this image flashed into my mind. "I am with him", I heard.

What makes this painting even more special, is the inscription in the corner. It is a symbol to me that this picture is and always will be for Emmett. As he gets older, it will be a reminder to him of where he   came from, how many obstacles he overcame, and how it was all possible.

I'd love to someday have a giant version of this painting, but this one (as it says) belongs to Emmett.

It touched my heart to read the special note the artist had included with the picture:
"My paintings in many ways record what is most important to me: my feelings and experiences with family and friends along with the spiritual aspects of my life. My hope is that in these images you will find something familar, something which will resonate and remind you of what is most important in your own life."

Indeed it has. I am so grateful for my life's countless blessings. And humbled by the realization that the Lord is truly next to each of us every moment, guiding us by the hand.

day 20: a favorite photo

I can't decide what my favorite part of this picture is. The sandals, the (lack of) shorts, that I
have the exact same haircut as Emmett, or the fact that Brandon looks exactly the same!!

day 10: makes me happy

Yoga (and my green mat, which I love :)

day 10: self portrait

TA-DA! Yours Truly

Self portraits are always a little awkward because you feel so vain. I tried to incorporate some of the knowledge I've gained while studying for our new camera... but this was taken with my ipod so there's only so much I could do haha.

work is so much more fun when it's cute

Since I've started freelancing, I've discovered the need to have a desk back (I moved ours into storage when I turned our 2nd bedroom into the nursery). It just not optimal conditions to do all my research/writing on the couch, in front of the TV, with the laptop on my lap. Especially when Jared is watching something and does his signature high volume laugh, and tells me "watch this" every ten minutes. lol.
So I began scouring KSL for a tiny table/desk that would be appropriately sized for our little apartment, and possibly function as a decor piece as well. I was looking for little secretary desks, roll tops, "entry" type tables, brainstorming different options.

One morning I saw a new post for this:

I know it doesn't look all that amazing, but I saw potential in it! The size was just right. Plus I thought outside the box and figured with a cute mirror hung above it, and a little stool it was perfect to be used as a bedroom vanity as well! I have always wanted a vanity, but haven't come across one at the right price.

I loved that I wouldn't have to just throw it out when we have a bigger place someday, it will just get repurposed into my bedroom vanity! Of course it needed a makeover badly.

So off I went to Lowe's in search of supplies.

24 hours later, my $10 find looked like this:

Goodbye wooden knobs, hello victorian glass!

Here's a close up of the glaze

Of course the inside had to be cute as well

Can't you just envision it someday filled with makeup, my curling iron and blowdryer, and topped with bottles of perfume? And a big oval mirror will hang over it :-)

But in the meantime.... it makes me excited to do some work! And the BEST part? It's the exact dimensions of Emmett's changing table and the color matches his Dr. Seuss room! So out goes the changing table, and in comes the desk!

Now I have a place to go to when I need peace and quiet (well as much as our little shoebox offers anyway!)  

writing machine

Faithful readers (if I still have any - I wouldn't blame you if I don't!) ... I have not abandoned you! I have had an incredible opportunity fall into my lap and have been fully embracing it. Writing has always been my passion, and recently a friend needed some freelance articles done. I have been writing up a storm in the mornings, during Emmett's naptime, and late at night when both Jared and Emmett have gone to bed. It has been so wonderful to get the creative juices in my mind flowing again! (well i guess not so much creative, as they are pretty technical articles)

so maybe I don't have the luxury of writing on the beach, but this is where I mentally imagine myself when I go into the zone haha. How awesome would that be??

Any spare minute I have had has been dedicated to researching and writing - so needless to say I haven't quite had it in myself to get on the good ol' blog and write more.

However, I do want to keep up to date for my own purposes and there are some recent events I need to post about soon. I am so excited by the prospect of having a writing career from my own home! What could be more perfect for me? Stay tuned and I promise I'll be back soon with a more substantial post and lots of pictures!

25 random facts about yours truly

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago for a chain-letter type thing going around Facebook (was it really that long ago??) I came across it the other day and had a good time re-reading it. Check it out, you may just learn something about me you never knew :-)


1. My middle name is Farrell. No significance or meaning at all, but I like that it’s unique.


2. I have an obsession with Oreos and milk. Double stuffed oreo’s to be exact, and they must be eaten with milk. Oreo’s are kept stocked in our apartment as essentially as bread and milk.
* I must say, I've improved on this one. I had to force myself to stop buying Oreos so I could prevent binging


3. I am a scent-fanatic. I love everything to smell good, and live by aromatherapy.


4. I love books, and I read like crazy. I could easily spend an entire day inside a Barnes and Noble, and my dream is to someday have a huge library in my house (sliding ladder and all).


5. I am weirdly paranoid about food poisoning, but raw meat in particular. I don’t like touching it, cutting it, looking at… Raw meat in general just grosses me out.


6. I am also OCD about teeth. I brush mine several times a day…every time I leave the house, usually after every meal. I am addicted to the minty, fresh feeling but don’t like always chewing gum.


7. On that same note, I am a little bit of a tooth nazi in my judgments of others. To be honest I have a really hard time with people who have yellow teeth, or teeth with gaps in them. It’s hard to look past!


8. I was in the spelling bee for three years in elementary school.


9. I have an addictive personality. This can include people, working out, TV shows, books, hobbies etc. When I find something I like, it tends to become an obsession.


10. I think massages are the absolute greatest discovery of mankind. I could get one everyday. In fact I try… but Jared doesn’t go for it.


11. I love organization in every form. Day planners, Home décor, school work, calendars…I especially love when it involves buying new, cute things.


12. One of my biggest pet peeves is people bragging about the wildest, stupidest things they did “back in the day.” Grow up, move on, get over it.


13. I am a huge dog lover. I get attached to them as if they are part of the family. I can’t wait to finally live somewhere where I’m allowed to have one again!


14. Actually I have an abnormal affection for all animals (besides reptiles) and Jared teases me all the time that I should join PETA.


15. I get really annoyed by the complete lack of morality on TV.


16. Due to a hard snowboarding fall, I now have a dimple on my left cheek that did not used to be there. People just assume I was born with it, but apparently it’s a calcium deposit that will go away over time.


17. I am a major sweet tooth. I’d choose to sacrifice dinner for dessert any day.


18. I could speak French fluently, but doubt that I can anymore due to lack of practice. I am still dying to go to Europe.


19. I think I may legitimately suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I am significantly happier on warm, sunny days.


20. It freaks me out when my hearing is blocked and I’m alone. Examples: Vacuuming and showering while home alone both make me nervous because I can’t hear what’s going on around me.


21. I thrive off of human interaction. I have a really hard time and get depressed when I’m not genuinely connecting with people.


22. I am an eighth Filipino, though I’m usually told I look more.


23. I can be really indecisive about trivial things. Like spending 5 minutes deciding what dish soap I want to buy, then getting home and wondering if I made the wrong decision…haha


24. I miss my family a LOT, and it’s been really hard for me to adjust to not going home anymore.
* I FINALLY have my family near and don't have to be homesick anymore! Yay! It's so fun being able to get together with them on a regular basis.



25. There is nothing better than “Neopolitan Dynamite” ice cream by Ben & Jerry. (And Leatherby's ice cream of course)

There you have it! An indepth look at moi. Other than a couple corrections, I haven't

changed much in these past couple years! Now it's your turn to do one!

.

Trois Ans...and still in love

Jared and I celebrated our 3rd Anniversary a couple weeks ago. It was a Monday night and Jared worked that day so we didn't do anything extravagant, but we still had a great time.
We went by my favorite dessert place and picked up a slice of triple layer Madagascar Vanilla cake to share. I Loooove Madagascar Vanilla, and this cake was uh.maze.ing. The problem was that Emmett felt the same way... I figured he was very much a part of our special day and gave him a taste too, in celebration. But by the time I'd eat a bite, and be getting a bite ready for Jared  (we got it to go and ate it in the car) Emmett would be in the backseat kicking his legs and yelling "ah! ah! ah! ah!" frantically to alert me he wanted another bite. I think he mayyy have ended up eating more than Jared. haha.
Finally when all the cake was gone, Emmett was still squawking in his carseat for more. I showed Emmett the empty carton and did the sign for "all done" and said "We're all done, there's no more!". Emmett replied with a sad whimper and the "want" sign. LOL. Now that's a babe that knows how to communicate! And we know exactly where he gets his sweet tooth from :-)
Since we didn't really do anything that night, we decided on buying tickets to see "Thriller" a halloween dance show that goes to 5 different locations around Utah. I've been wanting to see it for the past couple years, so we figured we'd take advantage! I'll post next month and update how it goes! What I really want to find out is how I can be IN the show. We all know I'd love that!

I had to put at least one wedding picture - as is standard for the "anniversary post" but I thought it would be be more fun to post a few pictures from back when we were dating! So enjoy!

(raiding his parents closet. Yes these were their legitimate clothes!)

(how and where we met! Snowboarding class in college <3)

Could we look any younger?!?! Well it's amazing how far we've come in these past three years, and I am so happy and excited for many, many more. Here's to us!

DIY Queen

So last post I told you how I'd been keeping myself busy working on all kinds of projects.... and now I want to show them off! I've kind of been on a roll lately!

We'll start with my most recent because I'm really excited about it.

My friend Deanna and I made these last night. They were more work than expected but I love the way it turned it! It was exactly as I envisioned!

Next up...

My Cupcake stand

Total cost = $5

Gotta Love D.I  :-)

And next we have...

My wipes case. I get happy everytime I have to pull a wipe out of my purse now!

Another....

These four beauties are another recent project. The 1st and 3rd are chevron style friendship bracelets, and the 2nd and 4th are leather wrap bracelets.

And last but not least....

I have long hated the unsightly towel bar that was in our bathroom, so I picked up this little diddy at DI, spraypainted it a metallic bronze-y color, and voila! Instant facelift! (PS it kills 2 birds with one stone, because we can't keep our toilet paper down on the t.p. holder due to Mr. Emmett)

So there you have it. A crafting whirlwind! It pretty amazing actually that I have gotten these things done while caring for world's craziest toddler. Also, I have yet to show you the paint job I've done on our front froom. It deserves its own post. But it's coming!!

Sporadic

That is my word when it comes to blogging. I'm known for either posting 7 days in a row or going 3 weeks with ZERO posts. Feast or Famine I guess. Speaking of the word sporadic, by sheer luck I caught a midnight showing of the movie Clueless on Oxygen a couple weeks ago. Talk about a movie that defined my childhood (pre-adolescence?). Watching it was seriously like stepping into a timezone. I immediately was flooded with all the memories of 5th grade, the four of us who referred to each other as Cher, Di, Ty, and Summer, and dressed in plaid skirts and knee highs. Pretty sure we even modeled our parties after that movie. (I know, great role models we emulated in our impressionable youth, right?) When the movie first started, I was like "oh my gosh, this is SO cheesy, I can't believe we all thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread" Then 45 mins later... I was sucked back into the world of valley girls. It was past 1 in the morning and I was trying to hard to keep my eyes open because Cher was being held up in the gas station... but I failed. Sleep overtook me. By the way, did you know the movie was loosely based off of Jane Austen's Emma? I never did!

So back to real life... we have been busy busy but enjoying it! Better to be busy than bored I always say. I recently started managing our apartments which has actually been a lot of fun. I love real estate and managing things, so it's kind of a perfect gig for me! I have also been continually upgrading our aparment, painting, redecorating, swapping furniture... I kind of got the bug.

I have been having so much fun as Emmett is learning more and more about language and how the world works. He has been picking up sign language so fast since he's started watching the Baby Signing Time DVDs, and I feel like that has helped him really improve his verbal language. The signs he uses most are more, hat, shoes, dog, and wash.  But he will randomly do a lot more, and I'm learning he does ones sometimes that I don't even recognize at first! He pinched his finger in the door yesterday and used sign language to tell me it hurt. It was sad but so adorable!  It is hilarious to secretly watch him watching his DVD, and watch him mimic the sign he was just taught with a look of intense concentration on his face! He is starting to say more things i.e. (ball, cheese, bath are just a few that I can remember right now) and understands so much more of what I say. I gave him an Old McDonald book to look at while we were shopping through Costco the other day, and all the sudden I start hearing him singing the tune to "And a Moo Moo here, and a Moo Moo there" except all of the words were replaced with "Moo". It was so funny to me that he just busted it out by himself!

Jared is finishing up the last days of his internship, which officially marks the end of summer (so sad!!) I am going to have to look into an indoor pool or something, even though it wont be the same without the sun!

PS random question... Anyone know how to get rid of fruit flies? I don't even have any fruit in here for them! So annoying! If you have some tips let me know!

Baby Oliver's Fantabulous Shower

We threw a baby shower for one of my best friends, Natalie, a few weeks ago. I was in charge of food and games and our friend Jordan did the decorations. The result was amazing! I think Jordan and I need to go into business together! haha. Natalie's theme was a nautical/under the sea theme with coral and turquoise.

Jordan did the drinks, and used mason jars and vintage straws. So cute!

On the bottom right are the DELICIOUS creamy chicken taquitos, which can be found here.

There is actually a funny story behind these... I was up late finishing all my baking the night before and asked Jared to help make the filling for the taquitos. We all know men aren't the most attentive to detail, and this case wasn't an exception. Instead of cumin, Jared used CURRY POWER, and ALSO accidentally doubled it. Luckily he was able to scoop some back out. (I didn't find out he had used curry powder til I was at Natalie's the next day!) BUT everyone was oohing and aahing over these taquitos and asking for the recipe!! haha. So all was well! And we now have a secret ingredient...mwahaha.

Okay so this picture doesn't do my sugar cookies justice, plus they had been transported in the car in the hot sun for over an hour by this point. But these were my biggest feat. I think I made 50-something of them and piped and flooded them all with royal icing. They were sooo good. I'm definitely keeping this recipe on hand for the future! 

              These were my "clams" . Cookies with pink icing and a yogurt covered raisin in the center.

And here's a zoomed out shot of the whole table. Jordan also did the cake with the cute banner, and notice all the cute decorations she did with her silhouette

Here's the 3 of us at the end of the shower. I didn't take any pictures of the rest of the decorations because I was so busy running around, but you can see some of them hanging behind us!
PS Don't judge my pictures...I don't exactly have the nicest camera, and Nat's mom's house has a big skylight at the top which made for some difficult lighting! haha

The games were a hoot, in particular the one where we made big 8x11 headshots of Josh and Natalie, and had people cut and paste them to make their "baby". The results were HILARIOUS! Let's just hope baby Oliver doesn't actually end up looking like any of them...

Thanks Natalie, for letting us help out! We can't wait to meet baby Oliver (who may be born at any minute now!)

Bakerella

My sister Kaity is interning with the City and helps organize the events/recreation. They had a big extravaganza for the 4th, and one of the activities was a bake contest.

I entered a couple different treats to support her. First up were my delicious Malted White Chocolate Kit Kat Cookies. The cookie dough itself has cream cheese and chocolate malt powder, and it is rich and sweet. Then you mix in white chocolate chips, semisweet chips, and pieces of chopped up WHITE Kit Kat bars. The result looks like this

Next up, I made Carmelitas. Mmm they are so good. They have an oat and brown sugar crust on top and bottom, and sandwiched in the middle is an entire jar of caramel sauce, a few chocolate chips, and chopped nuts.

Here I am proudly showing off my creations

Kaity went and snuck a peek at the voting sheet for me to give me an update on the standings. She said my Carmelitas were in first place and my cookies were tied for third! I was totally excited. Then they called everyone over for the announcement of the winners.

I was sitting there just waiting for my name to be called... Third place was announced. Wasn't me. Second place. still wasn't me.  Finally the time came for the grand prize (I was preparing myself to stand...) and NOPE it wasn't me! Can you say ripped off?!? Haha! Kaity says they must've not wanted me to win because I'm her sister and it would looked rigged. Oh well. At least we know who had the most votes. LOL

Oh and want to see what Em did during all this?

Ran around like a crazy man

Rode around on the golf cart (don't worry, we didnt drive with him back there)

and my personal favorite... had a ball with all the balloons

So despite not being recognized for my culinary skills, we still enjoyed ourselves! Next time right?

Brusha Brusha Brusha

Most people that know me well, know that I am a stickler for teeth. I brush multiple times a day and my Sonicare toothbrush is one of my favorite possessions. I can't stand to be awake for more than 15 minutes without having my teeth brushed, and won't even kiss my own husband before my pearly whites are fresh and clean!

Jared will attest that I am the teeth nazi. I harp on him morning and night making sure he remembered to brush (sometimes he forgets), and I call him out when I can tell he ended the 2 minute cycle prematurely on the Sonicare I bought him.

So while looking through an old picture album this morning, I couldn't help but laugh when I came across this

and this

                                        Apparently my obsession started at a very young age.

I think a little bit of divine intervention came into play when I was born with that trait, because God knew that I would also be the world's biggest sweet tooth.

Guilty.

Funny how things work out, huh?

Dear Fringe (Season 2)

Please go somewhere. And don't end up like LOST with a million unanswered questions. I know how you work J.J Abrams, and your shows are simultaneously enthralling and entirely frustrating at the same time. WHY do you insist on creating a plot, and then making the next FIVE episodes have nothing to do with it? Why do you create these huge, fascinating mysteries and never solve them? I wish I could quit you. But for now I will continue to watch.

Your undecidedly faithful viewer,
Cassie

PS- Right now some Asian people on a boat were given "seasickness medication" which caused disgusting snake like parasites to incubate inside them, kill them, and then come out their mouth. I just threw up in my mouth like 3 times and I cant bring myself to look back at the TV. HORRIBLE episode!! What were you thinking?!

Pause Button

You know those moments where you just sit and reflect on life, love, memories, family, and feel so blessed and content that you just want to hit the pause button and stop time? That's how I'm feeling right now.

We've been looking for an internship for Jared this summer, and since internships often lead to job opportunities, we've been thinking hard about where we would want to end up. As exciting as it is to think about finally leaving the world of college students and entering "the real world", I will be sad to leave this part of our life behind. The time where we still have the world at our feet.  I know we will always look back at our college years with fond memories, and I try to make the most of them.

Since getting married, I have come to appreciate and love my family even more. Apart from the realization you get of how each person in your family shaped you and made you who you are, you just flat out miss (and need) them. When I was a single college student, my role in life was school (and let's be honest - fun), and in the back of my mind I always knew I'd go be going home for Christmas, or summer, or whatever the next break was, and I kind of took it for granted. When we first got married, it was kind of a struggle for me. Since Jared happened to be from the town I just finished college in, I graduated but never left - and although my family was far away, his was just a few blocks over. It was a great blessing for us to be so near his family, but sometimes it was hard to feel like I had started a new, married life; I just felt like I had joined his. And I missed mine. I missed my home, I missed my family, I missed our traditions and holidays, I missed the warm weather, I missed the city. Somedays I just felt so out of place.

Now that we're down at BYU (and my family ended up moving about a half hour away), I can really appreciate having the people I love so close. I know we're at a stage of life that won't last forever, and I am just cherishing it while it lasts. Jared is getting close to graduating, and we don't know where his first job offer will be. My sisters in college are not married yet, but it will be interesting to see where their futures take them. Kendall only has one year of high school left and then will go to college. It's nights like tonight where we can get together with my sisters and go bowling on a whim that make me want to just hit pause. In a few years we could all be spread out going about our seperate lives, but for the moment I love being connected to each other.

So here's to cherishing the ones we love most, and appreciating each moment and stage of life we're in. Every stage of our life is so unique, and I don't ever want to feel like I let any of it pass by.

Cassie in Real Life

The problem with the blogosphere is the overwhelming amount of blogs that gush about their perfect, Brady Bunch, unrealistic lives. Either that or most the people I read about happened to find the worlds perfect man and gave birth to angels.

I know we are supposed to focus on the positive, and for the most part I try to do that too. But journals/blogs are supposed to be an accurate glimpse into the daily life of the writer - Flaws and all. I want to look back 20 years from now and remember the real, raw emotions of this time of my life and not just the facade that gets put on for others. I hate the competitiveness - people having to prove their life is as wonderful as their neighbors.

And it's not that I'm not affected by it. I hate the guilt I feel when I get sucked into looking at others blogs and wondering how they just seem to have it all together.

Granted this post is fueled by the difficult day I've had today. Really when I lay it all out, it's not that the events are that horrible, it's just one of those days. My family left this morning to go to Newport Beach and Disneyland for a whole week. I would love to be there with them. But Jared couldn't miss class and it was planned with pretty short notice, so here we are. The guy my sister's dating is even on the trip. And I'm not going to lie - I have feelings of hostility about this. Why is he on my family vacation I can't go on? I know it's not his fault he happened to have the money and time, but I still can't help resent it.

While my parents are gone, they needed someone to come take care of the animals. So for the next week I will be staying at their house. This morning I woke up and tried to get everything in our apartment packed for a week (which is a big deal when there's a baby involved) while simultaneously getting myself ready, feeding Emmett breakfast, entertaining him, bathing him, and getting him dressed as well. I loaded the car up, stuck Emmett in, and headed up the hill to my moms (it's about a 25-30 min drive depending on traffic.) It was Emmett's naptime and I was hoping he'd fall asleep... but instead he ended up screaming most of the way. So there I was trying to sing Pat-a-Cake, Old McDonald, and other songs at the top of my lungs to ease his tears.

We arrive at my Mom's, and I set Emmett down to let the dog out and get things unpacked out of the car. Emmett still hasn't taken his nap, and now that he's in an unfamiliar place there's no chance of it. He's clingy and hungry but won't let me set him down to make him a bottle. I am on the verge of tears, wishing Jared was out of school to help me with all this, and even more so wishing I was at Newport Beach too. Eventually we both got so worn out and exhausted, that he finally fell asleep in my arms and I joined him not long after. It was a blissful 30 minutes until the dog started pounding on the glass and woke us both up.

(Deep Exhale) Let's just say I am excited to watch a movie and go to sleep tonight. Here's to hoping that Emmett at least somewhat sleeps in his unfamiliar bed.

PS- Sorry about the rant, sometimes a good vent session is just therapeutic. And I have to say, I feel better already :-)

Salivating

I really, really want this watch.

If only I happened to have $100 to drop on a whim...

 Until then I'll have to satisfy my craving by posting about it instead. I'll let you know if it works. Although if it does, you might find me posting about things I want daily!

Footnote: I've been giving my living room a total facelift the past few weeks and I'm really excited about it! I have a couple accessories I want to paint and then I'll post pictures!