the broken vessel

I was really excited for conference this session, I love hearing what messages the prophets are inspired to deliver to us. I was particularly touched by Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel". He spoke to those affected by depression, or suffering from any mental ailment really, but on a level that applied to every single one of us.

After Emmetts tramautic birth, I suffered (still do- though thankfully not as bad) with anxiety/post traumatic stress.We've already discussed my horrific surgery, which was just the tip of the iceberg.  My mind was placed on such a high alert, where it feared for life or death (for Emmett) on a daily (hourly) basis, for an extended period of time. It hit a peak one horrible, heartbreaking afternoon where I witnessed him stop breathing and his heart stop. I sat there not breathing myself, as an entire team surrounded his bed and miraculously resusitated him. His nurse described it as "pulling him back from heaven by his toes." I had never in my life felt so much gratitude, but the blow left me wounded. I couldn't stop crying for hours, and from that moment my brain was constantly preparing itself for the chance it happened again. This intese, wracking worry never ceased for the 96 days he was in the NICU. And when he came home with oxygen and monitors, my mind stayed in hyper-mode.

 A year later, when all traces of the NICU were gone, and my mind couldn't pull itself out of panic - I knew I needed help. The mind is a tricky thing, and one major contributor to my anxiety was blame. I felt horrible watching him suffer through countless situations, knowing the reason he was there was because my body couldn't keep him inside. I wondered if I could have changed anything. I had a deep rooted fear that something out of my control would come and take him from me. At this point it wasn't just fears related to his breathing. It was ANYTHING that posed a threat to him. I still fight this fear off.

Elder Holland described it so well:

"The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time,² and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."

I never told anyone this. It took me probably almost two years to even tell Jared. I kept hoping it would go away, and wasn't sure if the fears I had were normal "mom worries". Aside from that, I literally could not talk about it. I couldn't even THINK about it. My mind had taken those six months of my life, boxed them up, and buried them down far enough that they wouldn't hurt me. To try to touch that box was too painful, too much for my mind to tolerate. So it just sat there, the walls around it growing thicker and thicker.

Choosing to talk to someone about it was one of the best things I've done. I'm proud I forced myself to open the box back up, no matter how painful it was. The very first time was like pulling teeth but it got easier and easier and I actually came to look forward to it.

Elder Holland went on to say:

Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed

What peaceful, comforting words :)

I have mentioned more than once on this blog what a trial of faith my second pregnancy was. Now you understand a little more fully. I was willingly placing myself back in the situation I had buried so far away. Facing down the demons that still haunted me. And still, my BIGGEST fear was the same it had always been: something out of my control (pre-eclampsia) hurting Emmett (this time by taking me from him). Though chances were small and I was in good hands, I couldn't bear that thought.

Elder Holland included a quote from a talk given by President Monsen.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”⁴

If anyone reading this feels sad or discouraged, I hope you know you are not alone. We are never alone, even in our darkest moments. That is one thing I've always been sure of.

prayer works!!

Ok last post for the night!! Just wanted to take a quick minute to give a pregnancy update. My last post I wasn't doing so good, but I have miraculously taken a turn for the better! My blood pressures have actually gone DOWN a little bit. And I FEEL better :)

I am so, so blessed. It never ceases to amaze me. Thank you for the many thoughts and prayers, it's working!  And on another positive note, I asked the Doctor on my appt Monday what NICU time would look like from here on out. She said if I ended up delivering NOW, he would probably stay about six weeks (still longer than I want but SO much better than 3 months!! Plus I'm not going to deliver now, I can feel it).

Then she said if I can make it to 33-34 weeks, SOME babies can go home!!! Some stay a short time just getting the whole eating thing down. (I can do it! I can do it!!) That's only a few weeks away! I left with such a greater sense of hope. This is going to work out...everything is going to be okay.

I try not to stress too much, cause one of my biggest fears is having to be in the hospital a long time and not being able to take care of Emmett. Just the thought of it kills me!! So every day farther I get, I look at it as less chance of that happening, and I am so extremely grateful. You guys, prayer is real. I feel it deep down in my bones. We are heard and looked after :) That is my greatest sense of peace.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures, John 14:27.


27 ^aPeace I leave with you, my ^bpeace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be ^ctroubled, neither let it be afraid.

tick tick tick...

I'm so sick and tired of stressing daily over moving (and not even knowing where to attribute my stress to). I know I'm being a baby about it, and that people move for jobs all the time. But why does it seem like so many other people are able to find jobs near their home or family?

It doesn't help that I'm pregnant, and already at my stress limit hoping my pre-eclampsia doesn't occur again. For those of you that don't know/remember, I moved down to Utah about 2 days before I was admitted to the hospital at 26 weeks with Emmett. I didn't have an OB (I planned on having plenty of time to find one), or even know where the nearest Urgent Care was (We ended up driving to one somewhat far away and subsequently I ended up at a hospital in Orem instead of the one right by us in Provo. I had to be transferred). I didn't have any family here, or know anyone to call in for blessing. When a doctor DID come to take care of me, he had never seen me before in his life and didn't realize that I bore almost no resemblance to my actual self. Did I mention the boxes at our apartment still hadn't even been unpacked?

Needless to say, it was crazy stressful and traumatic. My comforting thought with this pregnancy was "this time I'm going have highly experienced doctors following me all the way through, and it will be nothing like last time". I know we're supposed to have faith in the Lord's timing, but sometimes I'm just like "really?! A possible move right around that 26 week period AGAIN?" I really try to remain positive but it's so easy to spiral into a myriad of anxious thoughts "What if the exact same thing happens? What if I've just moved away from my family again at the time I need them most? What if I'm admitted to the hospital and have no one around to watch Emmett? ... and on and on and on.

On top of those stresses, I seem to have found a million more to lose sleep over. Will I like the place we live? Will we be safe? ... Really there's a million other questions I come up with but they all boil down to those first two. "Liking" the place I live entails so many things.. the weather, the landscape, the proximity to family, the size, the community etc.

Sometimes I feel like I picture our happy little family settling into a place like this:

and doing things like this

and this

and this

While Jared pictures us content somewhere like this

doing this

and this

I realize that both have their perks, and as long I have my family we can make ourselves happy anywhere. It's just a little nervewracking to know that inside we gravitate towards different things. 

But MORE importantly than any of those things, I picture myself near THIS

and this

Ultimately in MY perfect world, I realize to stay near family we'll be staying in a colder, mountainous climate (we're in Utah after all)... BUT if I CAN'T have family, I at least want the weather as consolation!!

If you're still reading, congratulations, you have survived today's venting session. I have so much stress pent up inside me I can't promise it will be the last! But cross your fingers we will end up somewhere great, safe, happy, and my baby will not make a surprise arrival again!!

and then there were four

So if you haven't heard the news by now...

We are expecting baby #2!! 

While we are thrilled, this isn't a decision that was taken lightly. It has taken me over three years to come to terms with the idea, and I still have the "what did I get myself into?!" feeling on almost a daily basis. To be honest, when I got the positive test result, I went into my room and cried for about twenty minutes (I don't think Jared even knows this). I was terrified. So many buried memories fought their way to the surface of my conciousness and burst out like a flood. Was I strong enough to do this again?

That being said, I am having SUCH a better pregnancy this time around, and am taking it as a sign that it's heading in a better direction (that or its a girl ;) My prediction is both! Despite my negative first paragraph, I have been striving to remain optimistic and am surprised that I haven't been as anxious as I anticipated. That will be put to the test once I pass my 20 week mark (I'm 13 right now).

Most people are curious what the doctors have told me regarding the possibility of pre-eclampsia reoccuring. So I will pass along the information I've gleened.... "WE DON'T KNOW". (Comforting right?) No, but before even considering pregnancy, I had a lengthy sit down with Maternal Fetal Medicine and the Perinatologist helped lay out some numbers for me. Unfortunately, the earlier the pre-eclampsia occurs and the more severe it is, the more likely to return in subsequent pregnancies. (Double strikes against me, considering I had it about as early and severe as it comes). The doctor said in cases as mine, the odds he gives for reoccurence is about 2/3 (66%). Of that 66%, 1/3 of it is a possibility it could onset even earlier than Emmett (which was 26 weeks), 1/3 is a possibility it comes as the same time, and 1/3 is a possibility it will occur - but be later into the pregnancy.

SO - that's a lot of fractions huh? It breaks down to about 44% it will hit extremely early again, 22% I will be affected later in the pregnancy, and 34% I will not experience it at all. Obviously I'm praying daily for the latter!! Factors I have in my favor are that I do not have any diseases/conditons they suspect to be related (such as lupus), and I'm young and healthy with good blood pressure. 

While a little bit overwhelmed, I know this is part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know he loves me and wants only the best for me. I truly feel in my heart that this experience is going to go better, and I'm comforted by the daily reminders that I have SO many people pulling for me/looking out for me. I feel like everytime I start to doubt, God sends some little reminder that I'm being watched over :)

I will continue to keep you updated of my status, and I'm sure there will be some belly pics soon!

the most precious gift

Of all the gifts I received this Christmas, there is one that stands out the most. It's the one that has the most meaning, and the one I'm sure I will cherish for years to come. This one came from Santa, and is something I've been wanting for a long time :)

Everytime I look at it, it brings tears to my eyes. Something inside me is stirred up - because I'd seen this image countless times in my head before I ever laid eyes on this painting.

During the many sleepless nights, as I prayed with all my might before falling asleep, this is the answer I would receive. Emmett was in the best hands possible. His every step, movement, and breath was being watched over. And someday soon, he would be the miraculous perfect, healthy boy I dreamed of.

When the pokes, procedures, and frights were too much to bear - again this image flashed into my mind. "I am with him", I heard.

What makes this painting even more special, is the inscription in the corner. It is a symbol to me that this picture is and always will be for Emmett. As he gets older, it will be a reminder to him of where he   came from, how many obstacles he overcame, and how it was all possible.

I'd love to someday have a giant version of this painting, but this one (as it says) belongs to Emmett.

It touched my heart to read the special note the artist had included with the picture:
"My paintings in many ways record what is most important to me: my feelings and experiences with family and friends along with the spiritual aspects of my life. My hope is that in these images you will find something familar, something which will resonate and remind you of what is most important in your own life."

Indeed it has. I am so grateful for my life's countless blessings. And humbled by the realization that the Lord is truly next to each of us every moment, guiding us by the hand.

isn't there something wrong here?

The other day Jared and I were catching up on the latest episode of Vampire Diaries (which has really taken a turn South this season, if I may). We couldn't help but laugh at the the cheesy overdramaticized scenes between Stephen and Elena now that she's a vampire (oops, spoiler!!)

During one of their steamy little escapades, my mind wandered - as usual- and began contemplating society's current fascination with vampire love. Based off the past five year's books, movies, and TV shows, I think it's fair to say a large amount of people are enamored with this human/vampire love affair idea. Or even vampire/vampire. But what I was mulling over was... WHY?

I will admit there is a certain turn on to the whole secretive, supernatural, superhuman idea. But that concession kind of disturbs my mind a little bit.

We're intrinsically attracted to cannibalism? That's what it comes down to right? Something inside people clicks on in response to these blood sucking, human devouring vampires. We are disgusted by the thought of cannibals, yet lovestruck with vampires? Interesting...

Does it not seem a little grotesque that society in general finds this blood sucking romance to be so steamy? Perhaps its the feral, feline-like attributes that our minds enjoy?

By this point, Stephen and Elena's little romp in the woods had ended and my mind returned to the plot. But what do you think? Any thoughts??

PS anyone else wishing the whole Damon thing would happen already?!

when life hands you lemons

I am so grateful for your comments on  my last post. After I published it, I was a little nervous and thought "maybe that was a little TOO real for the blogosphere"...  then I didn't get any comments for awhile and was like "uh oh". So it was reassuring to read many of you feel the same way some days (or even some hours)

I've come to realize that many moms have these same feelings of inadequacy, a feared inability to keep up with the supermom next door. Or sometimes on the next blog. Or facebook page.

I'm sure I'm guilty of it as well. We use these blogs as our record keeping. What do we want to remember? The good times - those moments our hearts are overflowed with joy. So that's what we write about. And generally leave out the 70% in between when we're pulling our hair out and chasing our toddler down the street while he rides away on his Lightning Mcqueen scooter in nothing but a diaper (oh that's just me? awesome).

This isn't his scooter, but close enough

There is nothing wrong with being positive and sharing our happiest experiences. Yet the problem lies when you look at everyone else's lives and ONLY see the wonderful things. Then you look around your messy house, realize you're still in your pajamas, and your self esteem takes a minor blow.

Soooo my point is, why do we do this to each other? We're not doing it intentionally, but it seems so many of us feel this competition to maintain our supermom statuses. To prove that we've got this mom thing under control. Stepford husband? Check. Barefoot Contessa quality dinner on the table at 5? Check. Perfectly behaved toddler in his meticulously clean Gap clothes? Check.  Sound familiar? And the reality is... no one has this mom thing under control. It's a continual work in progess, but most of the time I enjoy the journey.

In fact, I'd like to take this moment to share a little story about my shower the other day :) Speaking of things I'd like to remember, I think I'll get a kick out of this a few years down the road:

 Here I was, trying to hurry and wash the shampoo out of my hair before the hot water ran out. Mind you Emmett was in the shower with me, as he usually is. So I close my eyes and start scrubbing the shampoo out of my hair, and all sudden "WAHHHH!", Emmett starts screaming in pain. So I open my eyes to see he's taken my Head and Shoulders, tried to apply it to his own head like Mom, and it has subsequently ran down his head and into his eyes. So I hurry and grab a washcloth, help him dry all the stinging shampoo from his eyes.
Once the crisis has been successfully averted, I return once again to the task of removing the remains of shampoo from my own hair. I turn around to kick the hot water up a titch, turn back towards Emmett... and what do I see? He's gotten a hold of my razor and is shearing his beautiful golden locks like a sheep!!
(Yes this is the cheap disposable razor that doesn't seem to  even work when applied to my leg hair)
I frantically grabbed the razor from his hands and assess the damage, almost in tears. His hair!!! (I had already made sure his scalp had no injuries of course). LUCKILY he has SO much hair, when it's all laid down, you can't see the couple of bald chunks he crazily removed from his own head.
Needless to say the shower ended as quickly as possible.

I'd like to say this event was a rare, one time occassion. But that would be a lie. In fact, I'm feeling pretty generous tonight so I'm going to share one more "Emmett-capade".

Just the other day Emmett decided to run out front in nothing but his birthday suit and his black slip-on dress shoes. (I'm laughing out loud now just recalling this situation). I was calling after him humorously "HEY! Get BACK HERE!!". And he thought it was hilarious. So he just kept standing outside our window on the porch. taunting me, laughing at his own hilarity. I was worn out and figured "eh, there's no one out front right now and he's just on the porch... it'll be fine for a minute". (At this point he's climbed up on the little bistro table on the porch and is beating on the window screaming and laughing himself silly) Then I hear it. Laughter. Lots of it. Coming from next door. And we're talking the non LDS, tattooeed family with a bunch of twenty-somethings next door. So I feel a little embarrassed and figure I should probably at least put a diaper on the kid.
I grab a diaper, head outside, and of course when Emmett sees me he scrambles down off the table and tries to take off running (which causes the group hanging out in the front yard next door to laugh louder). So I scoop him up, carry him inside, and lay him down to strap that sucker on him. And whaddya know, that wiggle worm wrestles his way free, and goes tearing back out front in his birthday suit (and dont forget the dress shoes, they're still on) squealing in delight. Of course my audience next door erupts even louder. and at this point all I can do is smile, wave, and take a bow. I didn't reeeeally take a bow, but you know what I mean.

Pretty much, my life is fun(ny?). Crazy, but fun. There's never a dull moment in this casa.

25 random facts about yours truly

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago for a chain-letter type thing going around Facebook (was it really that long ago??) I came across it the other day and had a good time re-reading it. Check it out, you may just learn something about me you never knew :-)


1. My middle name is Farrell. No significance or meaning at all, but I like that it’s unique.


2. I have an obsession with Oreos and milk. Double stuffed oreo’s to be exact, and they must be eaten with milk. Oreo’s are kept stocked in our apartment as essentially as bread and milk.
* I must say, I've improved on this one. I had to force myself to stop buying Oreos so I could prevent binging


3. I am a scent-fanatic. I love everything to smell good, and live by aromatherapy.


4. I love books, and I read like crazy. I could easily spend an entire day inside a Barnes and Noble, and my dream is to someday have a huge library in my house (sliding ladder and all).


5. I am weirdly paranoid about food poisoning, but raw meat in particular. I don’t like touching it, cutting it, looking at… Raw meat in general just grosses me out.


6. I am also OCD about teeth. I brush mine several times a day…every time I leave the house, usually after every meal. I am addicted to the minty, fresh feeling but don’t like always chewing gum.


7. On that same note, I am a little bit of a tooth nazi in my judgments of others. To be honest I have a really hard time with people who have yellow teeth, or teeth with gaps in them. It’s hard to look past!


8. I was in the spelling bee for three years in elementary school.


9. I have an addictive personality. This can include people, working out, TV shows, books, hobbies etc. When I find something I like, it tends to become an obsession.


10. I think massages are the absolute greatest discovery of mankind. I could get one everyday. In fact I try… but Jared doesn’t go for it.


11. I love organization in every form. Day planners, Home décor, school work, calendars…I especially love when it involves buying new, cute things.


12. One of my biggest pet peeves is people bragging about the wildest, stupidest things they did “back in the day.” Grow up, move on, get over it.


13. I am a huge dog lover. I get attached to them as if they are part of the family. I can’t wait to finally live somewhere where I’m allowed to have one again!


14. Actually I have an abnormal affection for all animals (besides reptiles) and Jared teases me all the time that I should join PETA.


15. I get really annoyed by the complete lack of morality on TV.


16. Due to a hard snowboarding fall, I now have a dimple on my left cheek that did not used to be there. People just assume I was born with it, but apparently it’s a calcium deposit that will go away over time.


17. I am a major sweet tooth. I’d choose to sacrifice dinner for dessert any day.


18. I could speak French fluently, but doubt that I can anymore due to lack of practice. I am still dying to go to Europe.


19. I think I may legitimately suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I am significantly happier on warm, sunny days.


20. It freaks me out when my hearing is blocked and I’m alone. Examples: Vacuuming and showering while home alone both make me nervous because I can’t hear what’s going on around me.


21. I thrive off of human interaction. I have a really hard time and get depressed when I’m not genuinely connecting with people.


22. I am an eighth Filipino, though I’m usually told I look more.


23. I can be really indecisive about trivial things. Like spending 5 minutes deciding what dish soap I want to buy, then getting home and wondering if I made the wrong decision…haha


24. I miss my family a LOT, and it’s been really hard for me to adjust to not going home anymore.
* I FINALLY have my family near and don't have to be homesick anymore! Yay! It's so fun being able to get together with them on a regular basis.



25. There is nothing better than “Neopolitan Dynamite” ice cream by Ben & Jerry. (And Leatherby's ice cream of course)

There you have it! An indepth look at moi. Other than a couple corrections, I haven't

changed much in these past couple years! Now it's your turn to do one!

.

The Book Thief

Of all the hundreds of books I've read, very few are able to really just take my emotions, grab them in their hands, and use them at their will. This book was one of them.

At times I felt complete despair; yet there were others I felt so full of love, pride and happiness, my heart wanted to burst. There were times my eyes were welled full of tears and I didn't know how I could bring myself to keep turning the pages. Times that I was so thorougly captivated by the prose, I was on the very edge of my seat and literally felt like I was down inside the bomb shelter hearing the sirens wailing. There were many times where I was up til the silent hours of the night reading in bed with my booklight. And most of all, times where I would close the book for the night, stare at my husband and baby sleeping so peacefully, then give them big kisses and hold them with all my might.

Because I do not think the summary on the back does the book justice (or even touches the surface of the book's story) I am going to attempt to give a quick synopsis in my own words (don't worry, no spoilers).

The book is narrated from the perspective of death, who is weary and exhausted from being overworked during the WWII years. As he travels down to earth to collect souls, occassionally a certain person or story would strike his attention. In this scenario it was Liesel Meminger, a 13 year old girl who is dropped off to live with foster parents in Molching, Germany. It is from a third person view of her life that we watch Hitler rise to power, Nazi Germany in full force, a Jew hidden in the basement, the air raids of WWII, and friendship, love, life, death, sorrow and happiness. We witness Liesel (who does not know how to read at the beginning of the book) realize the power of words and that they are Hitler's means of fighting the war. We watch her use words to defy him, fight back, and save people rather than wound them. Amidst all of this, we watch her grow, find courage, and develop touching relationships.

This subject is one that's hard for me in the first place. It is so extremely difficult for me to comprehend people so out of touch with the spirit, that fellow human life meant nothing to them. It shatters my heart that any person could look at another (regardless of race, color, religion) and feel not an ounce of remorse in destroying them, their families, their relationships. I think it sums it up well when death says, "I am haunted by humans." I love the irony in his statement. We are all so fearful of death, yet what humanity is capable of is terrifying. While death haunts our thoughts and sleep, humans haunt his.

The truly great thing about this book, is that it's able to take such a dark period of history and show the beauty that existed within it. The incredible love, courage, and sacrifice that often gets overshadowed in the textbooks. The people whose hearts were so big, their love was able to overcome the fear and they would sacrifice everything for the sake of it.

If you haven't read this book yet, I would highly recommend to go do it. It will take you on a roller coaster ride and make you question which character you would have been.

I just found this *fanmade* trailer online. Doesn't watching it just send chills down your spine? I had to click play again as soon as it ended the first time. Note it is not the actual movie, because they havent started production on it (it is clips from other movies), but it gives you an idea of the story's intensity. I am actually a little dissappointed it is being turned into a movie, just because there is so much depth that film won't be able to capture. Still excited to see it come to life though.

I am the Flag

Today in church a guy bore his testimony and shared a poem that is read at special events of honor in the military. It reminded me how strongly the spirit is connected with our country and its history. My eyes couldn't help but fill up with tears when he read this poem, especially because it was read with so much emotion and personal experience. A quiet reverance took over the room as he shared these special words. I thought I would share it with all of you in honor of this special day to celebrate our amazing country and freedom.

                                                                         ~ I AM THE FLAG ~

I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is Old Glory.
I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I fly majestically over institutions of learning.
I stand guard with power in the world.
Look up and see me. 

I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident.
I am arrogant.
I am proud. 

When I am flown with my fellow banners,
My head is a little higher,
My colors a little truer. 

I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped.
I am saluted.
I am loved.
I am revered.
I am respected.
And I am feared. 

I have fought in every battle of every war for more then 200 years.
I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appamatox.
I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France,
in the Argonne Forest,Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy.
Guam, Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon, Vietnam know me.
I was there.
I led my troops,
I was dirty, battleworn and tired,
But my soldiers cheered me and I was proud.

I have been burned, torn and trampled on in the streets of countries I have helped set free.
It does not hurt for I am invincible.
I have been soiled upon, burned,
torn and trampled in the streets of my country.
And when it's done by those whom I've served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong. 

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.
I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours. 

But my finest hours are yet to come.

When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield,
When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier,
Or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent at the grave of their fallen son or daughter,
I am proud. 

I am so grateful to have been blessed enough to be born in this country with all the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy. I have incredible respect and gratitude for the brave, valiant people in the military who sacrifice so much to defend its glory.  

In Honor of Mothers Day

For all you Moms out there that sometimes feel discouraged, inferior, or even ashamed because you're not out there in the working world, gaining status and "success", or being a wonder woman juggling kids and a full-time job (which I often feel, it's hard not to feel that pressure), this is for you:

"For Satan has declared war on motherhood and on the family. He does everything he can to dishonor and devalue both womanhood and motherhood. This fact is more apparent with every passing day. He well knows that those who rock the cradle are perhaps in the best possible position to rock his diabolical earthly empire. He knows that none of us could progess without receiving bodies and experiencing our second estate. He understands that without mothers who are willing to bear children, our Father's plan would be completely frustrated. He knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the rising generation, the kingdom of god will fail." - Sheri Dew "Are We Not All Mothers?"

Without US the plan of salvation will fail. The most important thing, the reason we are here on this earth, is basically entrusted to us. Our purpose is to come to this earth, receive a physical body, have our faith and integrity tested, and return to our Heavenly parents. None of this would be possible without a strong, faithful woman - willing to endure childbirth to allow a sweet young spirit to come down to this earth, and then to rear them with love, nurturing, and spiritual strength.

This is another quote from her talk that just brings a warmth of confirmation to my heart.

"As Mothers in Israel, we are the Lord's secret weapon.Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning. In the premortal world, when our Father described our role, I wonder if we didn't stand in wide-eyed wonder that He would bless us with a sacred trust so central to His plan and that He would endow us with gifts so vital to the loving and leading of His children. I wonder if we shouted for joy at least in part because of the ennobling stature He gave us in His kingdom. The world won't tell you that, but the Spirit will." - Sheri Dew

I hope that the spirit testifies to all you Mothers reading this and lets you know what a great and noble role you play on the earth. Your calling is more important than any worldly occupation could ever be. I am  so grateful for my mother, the opportunity I have to be a mother on this earth, and all other women, whether they have the chance to physically bear a child or not- for we are all doing the Lord's work.

Happy Mother's Day :-)

Pause Button

You know those moments where you just sit and reflect on life, love, memories, family, and feel so blessed and content that you just want to hit the pause button and stop time? That's how I'm feeling right now.

We've been looking for an internship for Jared this summer, and since internships often lead to job opportunities, we've been thinking hard about where we would want to end up. As exciting as it is to think about finally leaving the world of college students and entering "the real world", I will be sad to leave this part of our life behind. The time where we still have the world at our feet.  I know we will always look back at our college years with fond memories, and I try to make the most of them.

Since getting married, I have come to appreciate and love my family even more. Apart from the realization you get of how each person in your family shaped you and made you who you are, you just flat out miss (and need) them. When I was a single college student, my role in life was school (and let's be honest - fun), and in the back of my mind I always knew I'd go be going home for Christmas, or summer, or whatever the next break was, and I kind of took it for granted. When we first got married, it was kind of a struggle for me. Since Jared happened to be from the town I just finished college in, I graduated but never left - and although my family was far away, his was just a few blocks over. It was a great blessing for us to be so near his family, but sometimes it was hard to feel like I had started a new, married life; I just felt like I had joined his. And I missed mine. I missed my home, I missed my family, I missed our traditions and holidays, I missed the warm weather, I missed the city. Somedays I just felt so out of place.

Now that we're down at BYU (and my family ended up moving about a half hour away), I can really appreciate having the people I love so close. I know we're at a stage of life that won't last forever, and I am just cherishing it while it lasts. Jared is getting close to graduating, and we don't know where his first job offer will be. My sisters in college are not married yet, but it will be interesting to see where their futures take them. Kendall only has one year of high school left and then will go to college. It's nights like tonight where we can get together with my sisters and go bowling on a whim that make me want to just hit pause. In a few years we could all be spread out going about our seperate lives, but for the moment I love being connected to each other.

So here's to cherishing the ones we love most, and appreciating each moment and stage of life we're in. Every stage of our life is so unique, and I don't ever want to feel like I let any of it pass by.

Hmmm...

I saw the most "interesting" discussion earlier on Good Things Utah (Utahs version of The View) that I couldn't help but post about it. They advertised the segment by saying "Stay tuned to see what addiction women are struggling with - the equivalent of pornography for women." So I'm thinking... shopping? tanning? working out? You know, the normal addictive behaviors for women.

Turns out their guest speaker was talking about reading. At first they began by saying "romance novels" (which would make more sense), but upon further clarification they explained they meant books like Twilight. She was crazy! She went on to say how women are getting addicted to being "turned on" by Edward, to the point that they are holding their spouses up to an impossible standard, and even failing to get turned on in their real life relationship anymore. Wow. wow. I don't know who the people are that led to this lady being on the air, but they must be some unbelievable Twi-hards.

Her thesis was that men are very visual and women are emotional, therefore reading is our porn.

THEN she said we should moderate how much we let our children read, in order to prevent them from getting unrealistic expectations about life and relationships, and to prevent them from getting turned on at too young of an age.

Here is my argument with this whole ludicrous theory:
We might as well ban every romantic movie ever made for "giving girls unrealistic perceptions of life." Ladies probably shouldn't have fantasized about Clark Gable all those years ago, considering it supposedly has such ramifications in marriages.

I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. haha. Forget about enchancing your literary knowlege, increasing your vocabulary, cultivating yourself, and learning the power of creativity and imagination... apparently reading is something that we should limit for our children these days. I am all for censoring the content of what they are reading, but other than that I will fully encourage reading in our home. I would so much prefer my children read than waste their life away in front of a TV or video game.

Anyway, I just got a kick out of that interview and thought I would share!

*In the defense of Good Things Utah, the show is not normally so odd and I enjoy watching it. They just happened to have a special guest on today :-)

Cassie in Real Life

The problem with the blogosphere is the overwhelming amount of blogs that gush about their perfect, Brady Bunch, unrealistic lives. Either that or most the people I read about happened to find the worlds perfect man and gave birth to angels.

I know we are supposed to focus on the positive, and for the most part I try to do that too. But journals/blogs are supposed to be an accurate glimpse into the daily life of the writer - Flaws and all. I want to look back 20 years from now and remember the real, raw emotions of this time of my life and not just the facade that gets put on for others. I hate the competitiveness - people having to prove their life is as wonderful as their neighbors.

And it's not that I'm not affected by it. I hate the guilt I feel when I get sucked into looking at others blogs and wondering how they just seem to have it all together.

Granted this post is fueled by the difficult day I've had today. Really when I lay it all out, it's not that the events are that horrible, it's just one of those days. My family left this morning to go to Newport Beach and Disneyland for a whole week. I would love to be there with them. But Jared couldn't miss class and it was planned with pretty short notice, so here we are. The guy my sister's dating is even on the trip. And I'm not going to lie - I have feelings of hostility about this. Why is he on my family vacation I can't go on? I know it's not his fault he happened to have the money and time, but I still can't help resent it.

While my parents are gone, they needed someone to come take care of the animals. So for the next week I will be staying at their house. This morning I woke up and tried to get everything in our apartment packed for a week (which is a big deal when there's a baby involved) while simultaneously getting myself ready, feeding Emmett breakfast, entertaining him, bathing him, and getting him dressed as well. I loaded the car up, stuck Emmett in, and headed up the hill to my moms (it's about a 25-30 min drive depending on traffic.) It was Emmett's naptime and I was hoping he'd fall asleep... but instead he ended up screaming most of the way. So there I was trying to sing Pat-a-Cake, Old McDonald, and other songs at the top of my lungs to ease his tears.

We arrive at my Mom's, and I set Emmett down to let the dog out and get things unpacked out of the car. Emmett still hasn't taken his nap, and now that he's in an unfamiliar place there's no chance of it. He's clingy and hungry but won't let me set him down to make him a bottle. I am on the verge of tears, wishing Jared was out of school to help me with all this, and even more so wishing I was at Newport Beach too. Eventually we both got so worn out and exhausted, that he finally fell asleep in my arms and I joined him not long after. It was a blissful 30 minutes until the dog started pounding on the glass and woke us both up.

(Deep Exhale) Let's just say I am excited to watch a movie and go to sleep tonight. Here's to hoping that Emmett at least somewhat sleeps in his unfamiliar bed.

PS- Sorry about the rant, sometimes a good vent session is just therapeutic. And I have to say, I feel better already :-)

Wednesday Confessional

#8 - I really, really wish my body would just return to it's pre-pregnancy form [without so much work]

This is all I have to say about it.

Dear Former Physique,

Where have you gone? I was hoping for a sooner return, but alas, you are taking a longer vacation than I thought. I miss our old days at the gym enduring grueling workouts, our shoppings trips [where you looked so great in most everything you tried on], and your ability to eat a few treats now and then without sacrificing too much. 
Your temporary replacement is not living up to expectations. It is fickle, deciding to randomly just add back on the 5 pounds that I worked so hard to lose. I have been eating healthy [besides the occassional treat too good to pass up], working out [so my schedule might be a little erratic the past couple months], and still it refuses to accept the memo. It will not surrender. I find my myself catching a sideways glance of my body in the mirror occassionally, stomach relaxed, and am caught off guard at the pooch I thought I had taken care of! I don't want to look pregnant anymore! Even though the replacement may fit in your old clothes, it doesn't come CLOSE to looking as good in them as you did. It is a foreign body being shoved into them, and they were stretched and worn to a different shape.
Will you ever return? Will your nice flat abs ever decide they want to come home again? I would throw them quite the welcome party! Please let me know of your decision asap. And  whatever you do...don't say no.

Thanks,
Me

Do any of you Moms out there ever feel like this still??

Wednesday Confessional

#2 - I have Psoriasis

Some of you already know this, but there's probably a lot who don't. Psoriasis.org describes the condition as "a chronic, autoimmune disease that appears on the skin. It occurs when the immune system sends out faulty signals that speed up the growth cycle of skin cells. Psoriasis is not contagious."

I often get asked the same question: "What happened to your arm?" Because of its appearance and location near my elbow, it can look like I took a spill and got some road rash. Sometimes when I was younger, I would be embarrassed and reply "I fell", brushing it off really quickly. It may seem like a little thing, but it has such a huge impact on my everyday life. I unconciously will plan outfits around covering it, rarely wear my hair back in ponytails (which I love) because I'm afraid it will expose patches around my ears/neckline and wearing a swimsuit becomes dreadsome. It can affect your entire personality and confidence when you are so self-conscious of it. It doesn't bother me as much now, and being married to someone that accepts it and isn't bothered by it makes a huge difference. I was always stressed about what people would think while I was dating.



If you look closely at the left picture you can see it on my left elbow and upper right arm

Before getting pregnant with Emmett, I gave myself Enbrel shots once a week that cleared my skin of it. I stopped during pregnancy to protect Emmett, and as a result it is pretty much back as bad as it's ever been. I am in the process of trying to start back up on the Enbrel. I have always considered Psoriasis to be my "curse", but a few weeks ago Jared's Aunt said something that made me see it in a whole new perspective. She said, "That Psoriasis was the thing that saved your life, right?" She was right. I am part of a study they are doing on Psoriasis up at the University of Utah, and the day before I was admitted to the hospital, I had a Psoriasis study follow-up in Salt Lake. While doing the routine vital checks, they noticed my blood pressure was slightly high. That caused my to keep a close watch on my pressures for the next 24 hours, and I was able to miraculously catch the Pre-Eclampsia setting in. Because there are no real symptoms, chances are we wouldn't have known something was wrong until I either went into a seizure or stroked.  Although I still hate it, and can't wait for it to clear up.... I can now look at Psoriasis as my blessing.

*I have talked to Doctors and Psoriasis specialists, and my Pre-eclampsia had no correlation to Psoriasis (just in case anyone was wondering)

Wednesday Confessional

I decided it would be fun to to "divulge" something personal or unknown about myself every Wednesday. At least until I run out of secrets that is... haha. So here we go!

#1- I get really affected by my nightmares

What is it with dreams? Why do we have them? Why do they seem to have such a grasp on our minds? I've always wanted to keep a dream journal, but have never gone through with it because it's too much work.

The other night I had a dream that my Dad and little brother were driving and got in a car accident. I actually saw the car crash in my dream.  I woke up panicked and still can't shake the feeling. It can take me a week (sometimes even longer) to get a dream pushed from my mind. I think I must be a highly anxious person because I start having feelings like, "If I dreamed it, maybe it's going to happen" or "Maybe it's trying to warn me about something". The morning after the dream I went to church, and a lot of the talks/lessons dealt with death and eternal families, and I couldn't help but feel a sinking in my stomach. The next day, I learned that a close family friend had been moved to hospice because her fight with cancer was nearing an end. All those things combined have left me feeling kind of on edge the past couple days. Like there's a ticking clock, and some unknown tragedy is bound to happen.

About a year ago, I kept having a recurring dream. I had never had one before, and kind of just thought they only existed in movies for drama's sake. The exact details of the dream weren't always the same, but the story never changed. It was always me and another member of my family in the dream, but the person kept changing. We would somehow always hear someone being murdered (either in the next hotel room, outside the window, etc). Then it was always just implied in the dream, that whoever the killer was- was coming for us next, and we had no escape. I'd have a moment of panic, my heart stopping, and that's where I always woke up. I would have almost rathered that the dream continued on, no matter what the ending, because leaving me hanging right at that point had me waking up every morning with a feeling of despair I couldn't get rid of! The dream doesn't sound like it's anything particularly terrifying when I repeat it back now, but it was how vivid the dreams were, and how real the emotions I felt during it were. Emotions that seemed to linger throughout the next day, then I'd go to sleep and it would happen all over again.

It got to a point where I would avoid sleep. I wouldn't want to sleep because I knew what would happen when I closed my eyes. It was wearing down on me. I worked full time and the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me. I ended up googling "recurring dreams" one night, curious about what kind of information/remedies would come up. I found a common response that basically said "The emotion you experience in your dream is one that is trying to to work it's way from your subconcious to to your concious mind. Once you can pinpoint the source you are getting this emotion from in real life, it will go away." I thought "whatever, psychology mumbo jumbo", but at this point I was getting desperate. I thought about how I felt in the dream when I know the killer is on his way towards me. Helpless. Powerless. Then I thought "Is there anything that would cause me to feel that way in real life?" Oddly enough, the answer I came up with was being homesick.  It was our first year of marriage, my first time without leaving Rexburg every few months for school breaks, and my first holidays away from home. I was having a hard time with the fact that my entire family was enjoying the California summer, while I slaved away in an office in Idaho. It was the first time that I wasn't in control of seeing my own family. We had to clear days with my work, his work, his school, make sure it didn't conflict with things his family already had planned, and then there was the obstacle of Jared and I agreeing how long we'd stay once we got there. It felt like everyone but me could decide when I saw my family and how long I could see them for.

The weirdest part is... I didn't have the dream that night! Or ever again for that matter. So was it that psycho analysis that did the trick? Maybe. Who knows? Whatever the reason, I was glad to get back to nights of peaceful slumber.

As I was finishing this post, Emmett fell asleep in my arms. Then all of the sudden he jumped awake, eyes wide, both arms flailing to the side...then drifted back off to sleep. Haha I guess the nightmares start young... poor guy!!

Yours Truly

I never wanted my blog to become one of those that only posts pictures and updates about their babies, that no one particularly cares to read besides family. I am realizing though how quickly it's becoming that way. It's hard because you are so excited and in love with your little bundle of joy that you can't help but gush! And let's be honest, what life of her own does a stay at home mom really have left in that first while after bringing a new baby home? Unless you want to read about how walking to the mailbox to check the mail, and going to the dumpster on the other side of the parking lot have become eventful enough that I actually look forward to it each day?

It is late and both Jared and Emmett are asleep. I should probably be sleeping too, but it's hard to close my eyes when this moment of pure, interrupted peace is so rare. And so, for the sake of my blog, and for that little part of "me" that is down there hibernating somewhere, I am going to try to dig down deep and post what little I can pick out of my brain that doesn't have to do with bills, diapers, Jareds school schedule, or the sink full of dirty dishes.

Yesterday while I was clearing out the last of the medical bills I've had stacked up on my kitchen counter (yes, I had so many that it's taken me 8 months to deal with all of them. Thank goodness the state is footing the bill for my million dollar baby!), I came across three giftcards to Target clear back from our wedding. When we moved to Utah I wanted to bring them with us just in case there was a balance on any of them. I got online and found out that I had $90 on one of them! I was totally surprised, and so grateful I fought the urge to chuck them! So tonight we went to Target and bought a whole bunch of bath/toiletry items we're out of, and the board game Stratego. An entire cart full of stuff and not a penny out of my bank account! I was stoked. Not to mention, I'm a product junkie so my new bath stuff gives me a little bit of excitement. There's just something about new conditioner to wash your hair with, and new shaving cream to shave your legs with that gives a girl something to look forward to!

Speaking of beauty stuff, this past weekend I splurged and went and got a pedicure with my sister Kaity. And here I am 4 days later, the nail polish is already missing off my big toe and my pinky toe! I am so mad! Who pays $25 to have nail polish put on that lasts 3 days? I could have got better results with a 99 cent bottle of nail polish at home! And it's not like I've spent money and time on myself often lately, which just makes me that much madder! I think I'm going to march back down to the nail salon and tell them their nail polish was poor quality and insist that they repaint my toes! I don't mess around.

I recently read "The Other Boleyn Girl" and have since been fascinated by the history of Anne Boleyn. She was King Henry VIII's mistress who schemed to work herself into the Queens's throne, and eventually ended up getting executed with charges of adultery, incest, and even witchcraft. It was alleged that Anne wanted so badly to carry the Kings son (and thus ensure her position as queen) that she slept with her brother George hoping he could impregnate her. Both she and George were beheaded along with an entire group of men at court, with accusations that Anne had committed adultery with them all. It is still unknown whether these accusations have any truth. It is possible that Anne was so determined to rise to power that  she basically "sold her soul to the devil", but then again Henry VIII had about seven wives during his life (at least I think it's seven) and had to find ways to get rid of the old one when he found a new replacement. So who knows? I just don't think she really could have done that, I'm skeptical. If she did, she puts todays golddiggers to shame!

Anyway I should probably go to bed but thanks for listening to the ramblings of my crazy, chaotic mind! Hopefully it was somewhat entertaining. Until next time!

Camp Erickson

I didnt take this picture, but I just wanted to give a visualization!

This past weekend we traveled up to Idaho for the first time in almost 8 months (since Emmett's been born)! We had an Erickson family reunion up in Ashton at Rock Creek Girls Camp. I forgot how beautiful Idaho is in the summer. You just can't beat all that gorgeous green backdropped by sunsets that almost look unreal. You can count at least five different colors in them, they look like they're straight out of a painting. Although the scenery definitely struggles 6 months out of the year, the other 6 are breathtaking!

This trip was a BIG step for us. I spent weeks fretting over how it was going to go. Up until this, Emmett had never gone farther than a half hour from home, and never been around more than maybe 15 people at once. This weekend we traveled four hours, and had to have visited over 50 people. I'm not sure if people realize that for me it's not just as simple as "oh all babies have to get sick at some point." For months in the NICU it was drilled into my brain that exposure to germs or sickness could literally equal something as severe as death for my baby. That's all I've ever really known. So imagine having that mindset, and taking your baby to a reunion with 40+ people, including tons of kids and toddlers (who we all know are notorious for carrying around tons of germs and not washing their hands). THEN imagine how tense I was when these little kids ran up and grabbed Emmett's hands (which are perpetually stuck into his mouth)!

In addition to those concerns, I was worried about how Emmett would do with all the driving (he is not the fondest of his carseat or sitting still for that matter). I was worried about him being out in the sun all day long. And the Doctor told me before I left that he really shouldn't be exposed to too many mosquitos and his time outdoors should be limited. Wonderful (mosquitos are really bad up in Ashton this time of year, and obviously the whole reunion was outdoors). I was even worried about how he would sleep, and if he'd be up all night crying because he was in a place he didn't recognize.

But Emmett (and I) did great! He did the car ride like a champ, and may even be beginning to enjoy it! woo hoo! I brought up his bassinet and I think the familiarity helped him sleep really well. I kept him well covered from mosquitos, kept a little OFF fan with us wherever we went, and made sure to leave by dusk when they started to get really bad. Amazingly, both he and I made it out of there with NO mosquito bites, which is quite the feat up there! Unfortunately despite all my precautions, Emmett did end up coming down with a cold, which we are hoping does not develop into anything else and heals quickly.

Emmett with Grandpa Rex. See the Resemblance?

                                                    

But moving on to the reunion, we had a great time! We visited with lots of cousins, aunts, and uncles that we don't get a chance to see very often. We watched the guys play lots of Ultimate frisbee, football, and other lawn games (Jared played pretty intensely, and I think regretted it afterward hahah). We ate tons of YUMMY food (the Ericksons are famous for that), and went to Horseshoe Lake and canoed one day. We also put on quite the skit for Saturday night entertainment if I do say so myself! Did anyone get pictures or video?? I wish I would have thought of that at the time! It was the deal where one person lays on the ground, and the other person straddles over them hiding their legs, so it looks like their legs are really the persons lying on the ground and they're super flexible (are you following me?) Anyway, Sarah, Sherri, and I were the legs, and Gabby, Emily, and Jared were the tops. We started out with some yoga stretches, then transitioned into a great dance routine that me and Emily choreographed to "I need a Hero" (the 80s song on Footloose). Jared dancing with my legs on bottom had to have been quite the sight. I wish I could have seen it. haha!

All in all, the trip was a success! Emmett loves the outdoors, so he was content with all the new scenery to take in. Everything went pretty smooth and I was so relieved. He also got to wear some of his hand-me-down winter clothes, which he hasn't been able to down in Provo since it's so warm. He looked A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E in them! I snapped a pic of a couple of his outfits for you :-) I really wish I would have taken more pictures, but I was pretty preoccupied and needed an extra set of hands!

All you need is Love...

Lately I've been contemplating the word love. It has so many, many different meanings, connotations, feelings, definitions... but can one word truly encompass all of that? Without a doubt, it has to be the most powerful word in the english language.
I remember a literature class I took in college where we discussed how eskimos have seperate words in their language for all different types of love. Romantic love, love between a family, love for things, etc. Having a seperate, unique word for the feelings they felt gave them an entirely different perspective on the emotions. I thought about how it would change the way I looked at love if I had seperate classifications.
I think our language might be a little lacking, I don't know if the word "love" cuts it. I mean I love my ipod, I love my dog, I love reading. All those things are great, and I use "love" to express that I more than like them.
But I also love my husband. I love him in the way that he is my other half, and without him my life wouldn't be complete. I love him because he fills in my shortcomings and builds up my strengths. I love him because is my constant support, and makes me feel like I am the most wonderful woman in the world.
Similarly, I love my family. I love that they have made me who I am, and are there for me at any second of any day. I love them because they bring me so much happiness, and because we are so united. I love that they are my favorite people in the world.

I love the gospel. I love that I can feel Gods love for me each and every day. I love that Christ atoned for us, allowing us to be imperfect and make mistakes. I love that God strengthens us and give us comfort in our toughest moments.

The last type of love I haven't had the chance to experience until recently. However, it is the one that made me certain the word "love" is so inadequate. To say that I love my son is such an understatement it almost makes me feel sad. There is no word in the english language that even comes close to touching upon the feelings I have for Emmett. Perhaps there never could be a word, because I don't think the feeling you feel for your children is a worldly emotion. I think it is the closest thing we have to Christ's love. It is a love that is so incredibly moving, just looking at my sweet little Emmett makes my eyes well up with tears.  A love that makes me pray at night that all his pain and suffering will be taken from him, and given to me to suffer instead. A love that gives my life a whole new meaning, and makes me feel like my role on this earth is so much more important. A love that makes me think "Now I understand what life is all about".
Basically, our language just isn't sufficient... But apparently good ol' Webster didn't think that one through... ;-)