Wednesday Confessional

I decided it would be fun to to "divulge" something personal or unknown about myself every Wednesday. At least until I run out of secrets that is... haha. So here we go!

#1- I get really affected by my nightmares

What is it with dreams? Why do we have them? Why do they seem to have such a grasp on our minds? I've always wanted to keep a dream journal, but have never gone through with it because it's too much work.

The other night I had a dream that my Dad and little brother were driving and got in a car accident. I actually saw the car crash in my dream.  I woke up panicked and still can't shake the feeling. It can take me a week (sometimes even longer) to get a dream pushed from my mind. I think I must be a highly anxious person because I start having feelings like, "If I dreamed it, maybe it's going to happen" or "Maybe it's trying to warn me about something". The morning after the dream I went to church, and a lot of the talks/lessons dealt with death and eternal families, and I couldn't help but feel a sinking in my stomach. The next day, I learned that a close family friend had been moved to hospice because her fight with cancer was nearing an end. All those things combined have left me feeling kind of on edge the past couple days. Like there's a ticking clock, and some unknown tragedy is bound to happen.

About a year ago, I kept having a recurring dream. I had never had one before, and kind of just thought they only existed in movies for drama's sake. The exact details of the dream weren't always the same, but the story never changed. It was always me and another member of my family in the dream, but the person kept changing. We would somehow always hear someone being murdered (either in the next hotel room, outside the window, etc). Then it was always just implied in the dream, that whoever the killer was- was coming for us next, and we had no escape. I'd have a moment of panic, my heart stopping, and that's where I always woke up. I would have almost rathered that the dream continued on, no matter what the ending, because leaving me hanging right at that point had me waking up every morning with a feeling of despair I couldn't get rid of! The dream doesn't sound like it's anything particularly terrifying when I repeat it back now, but it was how vivid the dreams were, and how real the emotions I felt during it were. Emotions that seemed to linger throughout the next day, then I'd go to sleep and it would happen all over again.

It got to a point where I would avoid sleep. I wouldn't want to sleep because I knew what would happen when I closed my eyes. It was wearing down on me. I worked full time and the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me. I ended up googling "recurring dreams" one night, curious about what kind of information/remedies would come up. I found a common response that basically said "The emotion you experience in your dream is one that is trying to to work it's way from your subconcious to to your concious mind. Once you can pinpoint the source you are getting this emotion from in real life, it will go away." I thought "whatever, psychology mumbo jumbo", but at this point I was getting desperate. I thought about how I felt in the dream when I know the killer is on his way towards me. Helpless. Powerless. Then I thought "Is there anything that would cause me to feel that way in real life?" Oddly enough, the answer I came up with was being homesick.  It was our first year of marriage, my first time without leaving Rexburg every few months for school breaks, and my first holidays away from home. I was having a hard time with the fact that my entire family was enjoying the California summer, while I slaved away in an office in Idaho. It was the first time that I wasn't in control of seeing my own family. We had to clear days with my work, his work, his school, make sure it didn't conflict with things his family already had planned, and then there was the obstacle of Jared and I agreeing how long we'd stay once we got there. It felt like everyone but me could decide when I saw my family and how long I could see them for.

The weirdest part is... I didn't have the dream that night! Or ever again for that matter. So was it that psycho analysis that did the trick? Maybe. Who knows? Whatever the reason, I was glad to get back to nights of peaceful slumber.

As I was finishing this post, Emmett fell asleep in my arms. Then all of the sudden he jumped awake, eyes wide, both arms flailing to the side...then drifted back off to sleep. Haha I guess the nightmares start young... poor guy!!