tick tick tick...

I'm so sick and tired of stressing daily over moving (and not even knowing where to attribute my stress to). I know I'm being a baby about it, and that people move for jobs all the time. But why does it seem like so many other people are able to find jobs near their home or family?

It doesn't help that I'm pregnant, and already at my stress limit hoping my pre-eclampsia doesn't occur again. For those of you that don't know/remember, I moved down to Utah about 2 days before I was admitted to the hospital at 26 weeks with Emmett. I didn't have an OB (I planned on having plenty of time to find one), or even know where the nearest Urgent Care was (We ended up driving to one somewhat far away and subsequently I ended up at a hospital in Orem instead of the one right by us in Provo. I had to be transferred). I didn't have any family here, or know anyone to call in for blessing. When a doctor DID come to take care of me, he had never seen me before in his life and didn't realize that I bore almost no resemblance to my actual self. Did I mention the boxes at our apartment still hadn't even been unpacked?

Needless to say, it was crazy stressful and traumatic. My comforting thought with this pregnancy was "this time I'm going have highly experienced doctors following me all the way through, and it will be nothing like last time". I know we're supposed to have faith in the Lord's timing, but sometimes I'm just like "really?! A possible move right around that 26 week period AGAIN?" I really try to remain positive but it's so easy to spiral into a myriad of anxious thoughts "What if the exact same thing happens? What if I've just moved away from my family again at the time I need them most? What if I'm admitted to the hospital and have no one around to watch Emmett? ... and on and on and on.

On top of those stresses, I seem to have found a million more to lose sleep over. Will I like the place we live? Will we be safe? ... Really there's a million other questions I come up with but they all boil down to those first two. "Liking" the place I live entails so many things.. the weather, the landscape, the proximity to family, the size, the community etc.

Sometimes I feel like I picture our happy little family settling into a place like this:

and doing things like this

and this

and this

While Jared pictures us content somewhere like this

doing this

and this

I realize that both have their perks, and as long I have my family we can make ourselves happy anywhere. It's just a little nervewracking to know that inside we gravitate towards different things. 

But MORE importantly than any of those things, I picture myself near THIS

and this

Ultimately in MY perfect world, I realize to stay near family we'll be staying in a colder, mountainous climate (we're in Utah after all)... BUT if I CAN'T have family, I at least want the weather as consolation!!

If you're still reading, congratulations, you have survived today's venting session. I have so much stress pent up inside me I can't promise it will be the last! But cross your fingers we will end up somewhere great, safe, happy, and my baby will not make a surprise arrival again!!

and then there were four

So if you haven't heard the news by now...

We are expecting baby #2!! 

While we are thrilled, this isn't a decision that was taken lightly. It has taken me over three years to come to terms with the idea, and I still have the "what did I get myself into?!" feeling on almost a daily basis. To be honest, when I got the positive test result, I went into my room and cried for about twenty minutes (I don't think Jared even knows this). I was terrified. So many buried memories fought their way to the surface of my conciousness and burst out like a flood. Was I strong enough to do this again?

That being said, I am having SUCH a better pregnancy this time around, and am taking it as a sign that it's heading in a better direction (that or its a girl ;) My prediction is both! Despite my negative first paragraph, I have been striving to remain optimistic and am surprised that I haven't been as anxious as I anticipated. That will be put to the test once I pass my 20 week mark (I'm 13 right now).

Most people are curious what the doctors have told me regarding the possibility of pre-eclampsia reoccuring. So I will pass along the information I've gleened.... "WE DON'T KNOW". (Comforting right?) No, but before even considering pregnancy, I had a lengthy sit down with Maternal Fetal Medicine and the Perinatologist helped lay out some numbers for me. Unfortunately, the earlier the pre-eclampsia occurs and the more severe it is, the more likely to return in subsequent pregnancies. (Double strikes against me, considering I had it about as early and severe as it comes). The doctor said in cases as mine, the odds he gives for reoccurence is about 2/3 (66%). Of that 66%, 1/3 of it is a possibility it could onset even earlier than Emmett (which was 26 weeks), 1/3 is a possibility it comes as the same time, and 1/3 is a possibility it will occur - but be later into the pregnancy.

SO - that's a lot of fractions huh? It breaks down to about 44% it will hit extremely early again, 22% I will be affected later in the pregnancy, and 34% I will not experience it at all. Obviously I'm praying daily for the latter!! Factors I have in my favor are that I do not have any diseases/conditons they suspect to be related (such as lupus), and I'm young and healthy with good blood pressure. 

While a little bit overwhelmed, I know this is part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know he loves me and wants only the best for me. I truly feel in my heart that this experience is going to go better, and I'm comforted by the daily reminders that I have SO many people pulling for me/looking out for me. I feel like everytime I start to doubt, God sends some little reminder that I'm being watched over :)

I will continue to keep you updated of my status, and I'm sure there will be some belly pics soon!

Cassie in Real Life

The problem with the blogosphere is the overwhelming amount of blogs that gush about their perfect, Brady Bunch, unrealistic lives. Either that or most the people I read about happened to find the worlds perfect man and gave birth to angels.

I know we are supposed to focus on the positive, and for the most part I try to do that too. But journals/blogs are supposed to be an accurate glimpse into the daily life of the writer - Flaws and all. I want to look back 20 years from now and remember the real, raw emotions of this time of my life and not just the facade that gets put on for others. I hate the competitiveness - people having to prove their life is as wonderful as their neighbors.

And it's not that I'm not affected by it. I hate the guilt I feel when I get sucked into looking at others blogs and wondering how they just seem to have it all together.

Granted this post is fueled by the difficult day I've had today. Really when I lay it all out, it's not that the events are that horrible, it's just one of those days. My family left this morning to go to Newport Beach and Disneyland for a whole week. I would love to be there with them. But Jared couldn't miss class and it was planned with pretty short notice, so here we are. The guy my sister's dating is even on the trip. And I'm not going to lie - I have feelings of hostility about this. Why is he on my family vacation I can't go on? I know it's not his fault he happened to have the money and time, but I still can't help resent it.

While my parents are gone, they needed someone to come take care of the animals. So for the next week I will be staying at their house. This morning I woke up and tried to get everything in our apartment packed for a week (which is a big deal when there's a baby involved) while simultaneously getting myself ready, feeding Emmett breakfast, entertaining him, bathing him, and getting him dressed as well. I loaded the car up, stuck Emmett in, and headed up the hill to my moms (it's about a 25-30 min drive depending on traffic.) It was Emmett's naptime and I was hoping he'd fall asleep... but instead he ended up screaming most of the way. So there I was trying to sing Pat-a-Cake, Old McDonald, and other songs at the top of my lungs to ease his tears.

We arrive at my Mom's, and I set Emmett down to let the dog out and get things unpacked out of the car. Emmett still hasn't taken his nap, and now that he's in an unfamiliar place there's no chance of it. He's clingy and hungry but won't let me set him down to make him a bottle. I am on the verge of tears, wishing Jared was out of school to help me with all this, and even more so wishing I was at Newport Beach too. Eventually we both got so worn out and exhausted, that he finally fell asleep in my arms and I joined him not long after. It was a blissful 30 minutes until the dog started pounding on the glass and woke us both up.

(Deep Exhale) Let's just say I am excited to watch a movie and go to sleep tonight. Here's to hoping that Emmett at least somewhat sleeps in his unfamiliar bed.

PS- Sorry about the rant, sometimes a good vent session is just therapeutic. And I have to say, I feel better already :-)

Wednesday Confessional

#8 - I really, really wish my body would just return to it's pre-pregnancy form [without so much work]

This is all I have to say about it.

Dear Former Physique,

Where have you gone? I was hoping for a sooner return, but alas, you are taking a longer vacation than I thought. I miss our old days at the gym enduring grueling workouts, our shoppings trips [where you looked so great in most everything you tried on], and your ability to eat a few treats now and then without sacrificing too much. 
Your temporary replacement is not living up to expectations. It is fickle, deciding to randomly just add back on the 5 pounds that I worked so hard to lose. I have been eating healthy [besides the occassional treat too good to pass up], working out [so my schedule might be a little erratic the past couple months], and still it refuses to accept the memo. It will not surrender. I find my myself catching a sideways glance of my body in the mirror occassionally, stomach relaxed, and am caught off guard at the pooch I thought I had taken care of! I don't want to look pregnant anymore! Even though the replacement may fit in your old clothes, it doesn't come CLOSE to looking as good in them as you did. It is a foreign body being shoved into them, and they were stretched and worn to a different shape.
Will you ever return? Will your nice flat abs ever decide they want to come home again? I would throw them quite the welcome party! Please let me know of your decision asap. And  whatever you do...don't say no.

Thanks,
Me

Do any of you Moms out there ever feel like this still??

Wednesday Confessional

#6 - I turn 25 this weekend. Ahhhh I'm getting old!!

Okay so not really, but 25 is a pretty big milestone! It says to me "You're on the downhill climb to turning 30". Scary thought. haha. I still don't feel any older? My college-age sisters act like it's "weird" to go on double dates with their married sister that has a baby. I didn't even realize we were in that different of stages... I still feel like a college student (and the fact that Jared still is a college student makes it even more so) So it was funny when I thought of myself from their perspective.

But other than that... I don't really feel like blogging tonight. I'm tired. I have a cold. I had to grocery shopping tonight which was wearisome, and while there I happened to lose my shopping list midway through.  I found out today I could potentially have Tuberculosis. Okay so I probably don't haha but I had a reaction to the TB skin test, so the doctor said she "couldn't consider it negative." Interesting...  So I'm calling it a night! Until next time blog readers!

Hitting Home

So remember that river trail I posted so lovingly about 4 posts ago? The one I abandoned my treadmill for? Last Wednesday, a girl was severely beat, raped, and left for dead while on the very same trail. You can view the news story about it here.

The attack happened right in the middle of the day, around 3:30. I am in shock. I can't believe something like that happened so close to me, that someone could really do that to another human being. What really gives me the chills is that I ran on that trail alone the day that happened. Just a couple hours after. It is so frightening to think how easily that could have been me. I was always nervous while running on that trail, constantly looking over my shoulder, and breathing sighs of reliefs when I saw groups of people up ahead. But I don't think I ever really expected something like this to happen, especially not something of this magnitude.

Friday night I returned back to the gym where I will continue to run from now on. As I was driving home, I was thinking about that poor girl, and I kind of got hit with a wave of emotions for her. She is so young, and because of the heartless, brutal actions taken against her that day, her life will never be the same. On top of all the emotional issues she will deal with for years to come, the police say she has physical injuries that will most likely be lifelong. This is someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's best friend. An innocent 19 year old girl that was attending college. My heart breaks for her, and for the fact that its no longer safe for women to do something as basic as exercising outdoors.

Confessions of an Ophidiophobiac

I don't know what it takes to qualify your fear as a legitimate phobia, but I'm pretty sure mine's the real deal. I'm TERRIFIED of snakes. Unfortunately, I spotted a couple on my river trail run the other day. TWO in one run. I had to come home and take a shower, and I still have the heebie jeebies from it. lol. (I laugh, but really this is no joking matter).
It's not like these were even rattlesnakes or some poisonous kind, they were just watersnakes (according to Jared. I'm not an expert on snake breeds, but it makes sense since they were next to the river). Here's how it went down.
Encounter #1: Running merrily along my way and see some girl walking toward me up ahead. It looks like there's something dangling from  her hands. I squint as I run closer thinking "no, it couldn't be", then sure enough... it is. I see it's hanging body wriggling and freak out and jump as far to the other side of the trail as I can. Now I have to point out this was some crazy Hot Topic teenager. No offense to any Hot Topic fans, but really what other kind of person would see a snake slithering along the road and decide to go pick it up and bring it with them?! Maybe she was planning on doing some type witchcraft with it. I don't know. I picked up my pace a little, and ran off thoroughly unsettled. About a quarter mile later...
Encounter #2: Still freaked out from encounter #1, a snake pops out of nowhere and slithers with superspeed across the road right in front of me. Ahhh! My skin crawls and I am so glad I am coming up on the end of the trail.

I get home and tell Jared about my creepy excursion, and he just doesn't get it. He describes snakegrass to me, and tells me that basically wherever there's snakegrass, there is snakes. His description is "tall grass, that is seperated in bunches, and has fuzzy type stuff at top".

Fast forward a day later to my next run. I am on edge, and keeping my eye focused alongside me for snakegrass. Much to my chagrin, there were about 15 variations of grass next to me during my WHOLE run, and they ALL fit Jared's description (After looking at this picture, turns out NONE of them actually were snakegrass). I was on pins and needles the whole time, expecting a snake to pop out at any given second. All the sudden I hear a rustle in the grass. I about jumped out of my skin. I look over to the left as fast as I can....and out pops a little quail. Though I was safe that time, I kept my guard up for the remainder of my run. Luckily I didn't have any more sightings.

When I returned home, I told Jared about how paranoid his snakegrass lesson made me, and my scary experience with the quail. He cracked up and said "I figured educating you would make you not as afraid". "NO", I responded, "there's a reason I have to close my eyes and flip the channel the second a snake comes on TV!"  Ignorance is bliss. He tried to tell me some mumbo jumbo about the snake being one of God's creatures. Lucky for him, I corrected him. "No, the serpent is a tool of Satan, and was cursed to have no legs".
"What are you really afraid is going to happen?", Jared asked. "Well that one will hear me coming, get scared, and try to go to the other side of the road really fast, but will end up landing right by or under my shoe, and get scared and try to bite me! Or that I'll step on it or something." These are the things I constantly live in fear of.
Jared maintains that even if I stepped on the snake it wouldn't bite me, but I'm not believing him for a second. He says the thing he's afraid of when I go on my runs is creepster guys. He said "Tell you what, why don't you wear a little fanny pack when you run with mace in it. That way you can use it on any predator that comes along and if it makes you feel better, you can use it on a snake if you see it." Genius idea! I don't even know what a snake would do if I sprayed it with mace. Would it even hurt it? Would it freak out and bite me? Hmmm maybe not such a good idea.
Until I figure out a better solution, I will just have to continue facing my fear every other day. Pray for me. And let me know if you can shed any light on this snake/mace situation. Now excuse me while I go jump in the shower.

Hello... Is anybody out there??

It has officially been 5 weeks and 4 days since I have seen the outside world. (with the exception of my runs). That's the longest I am able to bring myself to leave Emmett's side. (But no, I haven't just been a recluse because I'm a crazy person, it's actually Doctors orders) You can't blame me, after the things I went through and witnessed, I am afraid to let the little guy out of my sight. Sometimes I wonder how long I will be so nervous.  Even though I get a little more relaxed with each passing day, I think that I will always be super protective of that little miracle of mine. 

Every so often I see something on TV, someone brings up something in conversation, or I get hit with a memory, and my eyes fill with tears all over again. It's so hard to believe it was all real. I think my mind has tried so hard to block it, and pretend that it all didn't happen. That it was just a bad dream. A really bad dream.

Despite how strong I may have seemed on the outside, it felt like I was stuck in the middle of a tornado- watching everything in my life spinning out of control, as I sat so helpless and powerless in the center. I may have always seemed really positive about Emmett in all the reports I'd give, but the truth is... there were nights I honestly wondered if he was going to make it. I never wanted to say that out loud. I didn't even admit it to Jared, and I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself.

The funny thing is, I started this post with full intentions of venting about how stir-crazy and lonely it can make you to spend 40+ hours a week cooped up alone in an apartment.  But as always with my writing, it decided to take its own course. And I am glad. Because now I don't feel like complaining about being stuck in my baby cave. I feel so blessed. I have the most adorable little angel, sent straight from heaven, sleeping peacefully next to me right now.What more could I possibly ask for?

Help!! I don't recognize that person in the mirror!

I don't like looking in the mirror anymore. It kind of freaks me out because I honestly don't really recognize the reflection of my face. I stare at it for a few seconds... then try to smile to see if that helps. Nope, the smile definitely makes it worse. It emphasizes my swollen cheeks, and makes my eyes look even smaller! Ahhh! Im terrified what I'm going to look like in three months from now! I can't believe that's all I have left. But each day that goes by, three months is seeming longer and longer!

Even when I leave the bathroom mirror, I can't escape this new, foreign body that seems to have taken me over. I look down at my feet (it takes some work to even see my feet), and get startled for a second because both my ankles look they have been broken. My ankles are swollen, my feet are swollen, and they are topped off with swollen toes. Then I remember... they are not broken, this is just my lovely new figure. I attempt to put on my ring in the morning and some days it ends with the realization, "Nope, this isn't going to fit today."

My appearance is not my only gripe. I feel uncomfortable most of the time. I don't know how much bigger this baby can get, it already feels like there's not enough room for him in there! It's impossible to try to lay down and sleep comfortably. Something jabs my rib, my bladder, or some other internal organ no matter what position I'm in. It's actually more comfortable for me to sit up than to lay down. A few nights I have found myself tossing and turning in bed, debating if I want to go back out to the couch and try to fall asleep in more of an upright position.

I am so tired of throwing up! It doesn't even phase me anymore. I just get up and run to the bathroom, as if it is part of my daily schedule.

I am so excited for our little bundle of joy, and can't wait for him to get here. But I look forward to the day when it doesn't feel like an alien life form has taken over my body :-)

There's a new dog in town

We have moved! The past couple weeks have been quite the adventure. Finally we have reached our destination in the the Happy Valley. All in all the move went pretty smooth. We had tons of help from Jareds family. There's no way we would have been able to do it without them. I've learned that pregnancy and moving do not mix well!

I cannot deny the fact that there have also been a couple bumps in the road of our moving experience. After some deep white glove cleaning at our last apartment, we arrived at our new one to find that the last tenants had not had the same courtesy. And the management decided not to take it upon themselves either (so messed up!). So the next day, before we even unpacked a single box, it was off to the store to buy more cleaning supplies.

A couple days later, on New Years Eve, we awoke to quite the surprise. The last tenants had requested that the gas be turned off. Now this is understandable considering they were moving out, but we were given no sort of notification. No information on what gas company we were supposed to use, let alone a way to contact them. No note saying "by the way, figure out who to call and open your account within 2 days, or you will be shut off." That might have been helpful.

"Okay", I thought, "no big deal. I will do a little research, call the gas company, and get this straightened out." I finally find the website, and see that they are closed for the holiday, but an emergency number is provided.

I called it and said "Hi, we just moved into our new apartment and the gas is turned off."

The kind lady on the phone informed me "We are closed holidays and weekends, the earliest someone will be able to help you with that is Monday."

"Monday? That's in five days! We have NO gas. There's no way we can get this turned on before then?"

"No."

So here we are, five days later, and still without heat and hot water. That's right. No gas = impossible to take a conventional shower, very difficult to do dishes, and an apartment which has averaged about 55 degrees. Luckily we have a little space heater that has been our saving grace the past couple days. We carry it around from room to room with us and stick it right next to us. I kind of feel bad for it. Every so often it overheats and shuts off from working so hard to heat our whole apartment around the clock. lol.

Despite our setbacks, our new apartment is beginning to feel more like home everyday. (Our fingers are crossed the gas will return tomorrow!) We are excited for Jareds first day of school tomorrow. I am going to be a little bit sad though, it's been fun having him to hang out with all day over the break!

Here are a few shots of our new home!

*UPDATE: I called the gas company this morning, and they informed me the earliest someone would be able to get out here is TOMORROW, unless I want to pay a $100 same day service fee. Do they even realize I've had to wait a week for them to decide to come in the office?! He also informed me that when the guy comes out, he will only remove the lock and not actually turn it on. I will be responsible to find someone to do that as well! Ay yi yi!