Hello... Is anybody out there??

It has officially been 5 weeks and 4 days since I have seen the outside world. (with the exception of my runs). That's the longest I am able to bring myself to leave Emmett's side. (But no, I haven't just been a recluse because I'm a crazy person, it's actually Doctors orders) You can't blame me, after the things I went through and witnessed, I am afraid to let the little guy out of my sight. Sometimes I wonder how long I will be so nervous.  Even though I get a little more relaxed with each passing day, I think that I will always be super protective of that little miracle of mine. 

Every so often I see something on TV, someone brings up something in conversation, or I get hit with a memory, and my eyes fill with tears all over again. It's so hard to believe it was all real. I think my mind has tried so hard to block it, and pretend that it all didn't happen. That it was just a bad dream. A really bad dream.

Despite how strong I may have seemed on the outside, it felt like I was stuck in the middle of a tornado- watching everything in my life spinning out of control, as I sat so helpless and powerless in the center. I may have always seemed really positive about Emmett in all the reports I'd give, but the truth is... there were nights I honestly wondered if he was going to make it. I never wanted to say that out loud. I didn't even admit it to Jared, and I definitely didn't want to admit it to myself.

The funny thing is, I started this post with full intentions of venting about how stir-crazy and lonely it can make you to spend 40+ hours a week cooped up alone in an apartment.  But as always with my writing, it decided to take its own course. And I am glad. Because now I don't feel like complaining about being stuck in my baby cave. I feel so blessed. I have the most adorable little angel, sent straight from heaven, sleeping peacefully next to me right now.What more could I possibly ask for?