the broken vessel

I was really excited for conference this session, I love hearing what messages the prophets are inspired to deliver to us. I was particularly touched by Elder Holland's talk "Like a Broken Vessel". He spoke to those affected by depression, or suffering from any mental ailment really, but on a level that applied to every single one of us.

After Emmetts tramautic birth, I suffered (still do- though thankfully not as bad) with anxiety/post traumatic stress.We've already discussed my horrific surgery, which was just the tip of the iceberg.  My mind was placed on such a high alert, where it feared for life or death (for Emmett) on a daily (hourly) basis, for an extended period of time. It hit a peak one horrible, heartbreaking afternoon where I witnessed him stop breathing and his heart stop. I sat there not breathing myself, as an entire team surrounded his bed and miraculously resusitated him. His nurse described it as "pulling him back from heaven by his toes." I had never in my life felt so much gratitude, but the blow left me wounded. I couldn't stop crying for hours, and from that moment my brain was constantly preparing itself for the chance it happened again. This intese, wracking worry never ceased for the 96 days he was in the NICU. And when he came home with oxygen and monitors, my mind stayed in hyper-mode.

 A year later, when all traces of the NICU were gone, and my mind couldn't pull itself out of panic - I knew I needed help. The mind is a tricky thing, and one major contributor to my anxiety was blame. I felt horrible watching him suffer through countless situations, knowing the reason he was there was because my body couldn't keep him inside. I wondered if I could have changed anything. I had a deep rooted fear that something out of my control would come and take him from me. At this point it wasn't just fears related to his breathing. It was ANYTHING that posed a threat to him. I still fight this fear off.

Elder Holland described it so well:

"The Book of Mormon says Ammon and his brethren were depressed at a very difficult time,² and so can the rest of us be. But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!

No, this dark night of the mind and spirit is more than mere discouragement."

I never told anyone this. It took me probably almost two years to even tell Jared. I kept hoping it would go away, and wasn't sure if the fears I had were normal "mom worries". Aside from that, I literally could not talk about it. I couldn't even THINK about it. My mind had taken those six months of my life, boxed them up, and buried them down far enough that they wouldn't hurt me. To try to touch that box was too painful, too much for my mind to tolerate. So it just sat there, the walls around it growing thicker and thicker.

Choosing to talk to someone about it was one of the best things I've done. I'm proud I forced myself to open the box back up, no matter how painful it was. The very first time was like pulling teeth but it got easier and easier and I actually came to look forward to it.

Elder Holland went on to say:

Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,¹⁰ we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed

What peaceful, comforting words :)

I have mentioned more than once on this blog what a trial of faith my second pregnancy was. Now you understand a little more fully. I was willingly placing myself back in the situation I had buried so far away. Facing down the demons that still haunted me. And still, my BIGGEST fear was the same it had always been: something out of my control (pre-eclampsia) hurting Emmett (this time by taking me from him). Though chances were small and I was in good hands, I couldn't bear that thought.

Elder Holland included a quote from a talk given by President Monsen.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”⁴

If anyone reading this feels sad or discouraged, I hope you know you are not alone. We are never alone, even in our darkest moments. That is one thing I've always been sure of.

tick tick tick...

I'm so sick and tired of stressing daily over moving (and not even knowing where to attribute my stress to). I know I'm being a baby about it, and that people move for jobs all the time. But why does it seem like so many other people are able to find jobs near their home or family?

It doesn't help that I'm pregnant, and already at my stress limit hoping my pre-eclampsia doesn't occur again. For those of you that don't know/remember, I moved down to Utah about 2 days before I was admitted to the hospital at 26 weeks with Emmett. I didn't have an OB (I planned on having plenty of time to find one), or even know where the nearest Urgent Care was (We ended up driving to one somewhat far away and subsequently I ended up at a hospital in Orem instead of the one right by us in Provo. I had to be transferred). I didn't have any family here, or know anyone to call in for blessing. When a doctor DID come to take care of me, he had never seen me before in his life and didn't realize that I bore almost no resemblance to my actual self. Did I mention the boxes at our apartment still hadn't even been unpacked?

Needless to say, it was crazy stressful and traumatic. My comforting thought with this pregnancy was "this time I'm going have highly experienced doctors following me all the way through, and it will be nothing like last time". I know we're supposed to have faith in the Lord's timing, but sometimes I'm just like "really?! A possible move right around that 26 week period AGAIN?" I really try to remain positive but it's so easy to spiral into a myriad of anxious thoughts "What if the exact same thing happens? What if I've just moved away from my family again at the time I need them most? What if I'm admitted to the hospital and have no one around to watch Emmett? ... and on and on and on.

On top of those stresses, I seem to have found a million more to lose sleep over. Will I like the place we live? Will we be safe? ... Really there's a million other questions I come up with but they all boil down to those first two. "Liking" the place I live entails so many things.. the weather, the landscape, the proximity to family, the size, the community etc.

Sometimes I feel like I picture our happy little family settling into a place like this:

and doing things like this

and this

and this

While Jared pictures us content somewhere like this

doing this

and this

I realize that both have their perks, and as long I have my family we can make ourselves happy anywhere. It's just a little nervewracking to know that inside we gravitate towards different things. 

But MORE importantly than any of those things, I picture myself near THIS

and this

Ultimately in MY perfect world, I realize to stay near family we'll be staying in a colder, mountainous climate (we're in Utah after all)... BUT if I CAN'T have family, I at least want the weather as consolation!!

If you're still reading, congratulations, you have survived today's venting session. I have so much stress pent up inside me I can't promise it will be the last! But cross your fingers we will end up somewhere great, safe, happy, and my baby will not make a surprise arrival again!!

and then there were four

So if you haven't heard the news by now...

We are expecting baby #2!! 

While we are thrilled, this isn't a decision that was taken lightly. It has taken me over three years to come to terms with the idea, and I still have the "what did I get myself into?!" feeling on almost a daily basis. To be honest, when I got the positive test result, I went into my room and cried for about twenty minutes (I don't think Jared even knows this). I was terrified. So many buried memories fought their way to the surface of my conciousness and burst out like a flood. Was I strong enough to do this again?

That being said, I am having SUCH a better pregnancy this time around, and am taking it as a sign that it's heading in a better direction (that or its a girl ;) My prediction is both! Despite my negative first paragraph, I have been striving to remain optimistic and am surprised that I haven't been as anxious as I anticipated. That will be put to the test once I pass my 20 week mark (I'm 13 right now).

Most people are curious what the doctors have told me regarding the possibility of pre-eclampsia reoccuring. So I will pass along the information I've gleened.... "WE DON'T KNOW". (Comforting right?) No, but before even considering pregnancy, I had a lengthy sit down with Maternal Fetal Medicine and the Perinatologist helped lay out some numbers for me. Unfortunately, the earlier the pre-eclampsia occurs and the more severe it is, the more likely to return in subsequent pregnancies. (Double strikes against me, considering I had it about as early and severe as it comes). The doctor said in cases as mine, the odds he gives for reoccurence is about 2/3 (66%). Of that 66%, 1/3 of it is a possibility it could onset even earlier than Emmett (which was 26 weeks), 1/3 is a possibility it comes as the same time, and 1/3 is a possibility it will occur - but be later into the pregnancy.

SO - that's a lot of fractions huh? It breaks down to about 44% it will hit extremely early again, 22% I will be affected later in the pregnancy, and 34% I will not experience it at all. Obviously I'm praying daily for the latter!! Factors I have in my favor are that I do not have any diseases/conditons they suspect to be related (such as lupus), and I'm young and healthy with good blood pressure. 

While a little bit overwhelmed, I know this is part of Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I know he loves me and wants only the best for me. I truly feel in my heart that this experience is going to go better, and I'm comforted by the daily reminders that I have SO many people pulling for me/looking out for me. I feel like everytime I start to doubt, God sends some little reminder that I'm being watched over :)

I will continue to keep you updated of my status, and I'm sure there will be some belly pics soon!

Wednesday Confessional

I decided it would be fun to to "divulge" something personal or unknown about myself every Wednesday. At least until I run out of secrets that is... haha. So here we go!

#1- I get really affected by my nightmares

What is it with dreams? Why do we have them? Why do they seem to have such a grasp on our minds? I've always wanted to keep a dream journal, but have never gone through with it because it's too much work.

The other night I had a dream that my Dad and little brother were driving and got in a car accident. I actually saw the car crash in my dream.  I woke up panicked and still can't shake the feeling. It can take me a week (sometimes even longer) to get a dream pushed from my mind. I think I must be a highly anxious person because I start having feelings like, "If I dreamed it, maybe it's going to happen" or "Maybe it's trying to warn me about something". The morning after the dream I went to church, and a lot of the talks/lessons dealt with death and eternal families, and I couldn't help but feel a sinking in my stomach. The next day, I learned that a close family friend had been moved to hospice because her fight with cancer was nearing an end. All those things combined have left me feeling kind of on edge the past couple days. Like there's a ticking clock, and some unknown tragedy is bound to happen.

About a year ago, I kept having a recurring dream. I had never had one before, and kind of just thought they only existed in movies for drama's sake. The exact details of the dream weren't always the same, but the story never changed. It was always me and another member of my family in the dream, but the person kept changing. We would somehow always hear someone being murdered (either in the next hotel room, outside the window, etc). Then it was always just implied in the dream, that whoever the killer was- was coming for us next, and we had no escape. I'd have a moment of panic, my heart stopping, and that's where I always woke up. I would have almost rathered that the dream continued on, no matter what the ending, because leaving me hanging right at that point had me waking up every morning with a feeling of despair I couldn't get rid of! The dream doesn't sound like it's anything particularly terrifying when I repeat it back now, but it was how vivid the dreams were, and how real the emotions I felt during it were. Emotions that seemed to linger throughout the next day, then I'd go to sleep and it would happen all over again.

It got to a point where I would avoid sleep. I wouldn't want to sleep because I knew what would happen when I closed my eyes. It was wearing down on me. I worked full time and the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me. I ended up googling "recurring dreams" one night, curious about what kind of information/remedies would come up. I found a common response that basically said "The emotion you experience in your dream is one that is trying to to work it's way from your subconcious to to your concious mind. Once you can pinpoint the source you are getting this emotion from in real life, it will go away." I thought "whatever, psychology mumbo jumbo", but at this point I was getting desperate. I thought about how I felt in the dream when I know the killer is on his way towards me. Helpless. Powerless. Then I thought "Is there anything that would cause me to feel that way in real life?" Oddly enough, the answer I came up with was being homesick.  It was our first year of marriage, my first time without leaving Rexburg every few months for school breaks, and my first holidays away from home. I was having a hard time with the fact that my entire family was enjoying the California summer, while I slaved away in an office in Idaho. It was the first time that I wasn't in control of seeing my own family. We had to clear days with my work, his work, his school, make sure it didn't conflict with things his family already had planned, and then there was the obstacle of Jared and I agreeing how long we'd stay once we got there. It felt like everyone but me could decide when I saw my family and how long I could see them for.

The weirdest part is... I didn't have the dream that night! Or ever again for that matter. So was it that psycho analysis that did the trick? Maybe. Who knows? Whatever the reason, I was glad to get back to nights of peaceful slumber.

As I was finishing this post, Emmett fell asleep in my arms. Then all of the sudden he jumped awake, eyes wide, both arms flailing to the side...then drifted back off to sleep. Haha I guess the nightmares start young... poor guy!!

Camp Erickson

I didnt take this picture, but I just wanted to give a visualization!

This past weekend we traveled up to Idaho for the first time in almost 8 months (since Emmett's been born)! We had an Erickson family reunion up in Ashton at Rock Creek Girls Camp. I forgot how beautiful Idaho is in the summer. You just can't beat all that gorgeous green backdropped by sunsets that almost look unreal. You can count at least five different colors in them, they look like they're straight out of a painting. Although the scenery definitely struggles 6 months out of the year, the other 6 are breathtaking!

This trip was a BIG step for us. I spent weeks fretting over how it was going to go. Up until this, Emmett had never gone farther than a half hour from home, and never been around more than maybe 15 people at once. This weekend we traveled four hours, and had to have visited over 50 people. I'm not sure if people realize that for me it's not just as simple as "oh all babies have to get sick at some point." For months in the NICU it was drilled into my brain that exposure to germs or sickness could literally equal something as severe as death for my baby. That's all I've ever really known. So imagine having that mindset, and taking your baby to a reunion with 40+ people, including tons of kids and toddlers (who we all know are notorious for carrying around tons of germs and not washing their hands). THEN imagine how tense I was when these little kids ran up and grabbed Emmett's hands (which are perpetually stuck into his mouth)!

In addition to those concerns, I was worried about how Emmett would do with all the driving (he is not the fondest of his carseat or sitting still for that matter). I was worried about him being out in the sun all day long. And the Doctor told me before I left that he really shouldn't be exposed to too many mosquitos and his time outdoors should be limited. Wonderful (mosquitos are really bad up in Ashton this time of year, and obviously the whole reunion was outdoors). I was even worried about how he would sleep, and if he'd be up all night crying because he was in a place he didn't recognize.

But Emmett (and I) did great! He did the car ride like a champ, and may even be beginning to enjoy it! woo hoo! I brought up his bassinet and I think the familiarity helped him sleep really well. I kept him well covered from mosquitos, kept a little OFF fan with us wherever we went, and made sure to leave by dusk when they started to get really bad. Amazingly, both he and I made it out of there with NO mosquito bites, which is quite the feat up there! Unfortunately despite all my precautions, Emmett did end up coming down with a cold, which we are hoping does not develop into anything else and heals quickly.

Emmett with Grandpa Rex. See the Resemblance?

                                                    

But moving on to the reunion, we had a great time! We visited with lots of cousins, aunts, and uncles that we don't get a chance to see very often. We watched the guys play lots of Ultimate frisbee, football, and other lawn games (Jared played pretty intensely, and I think regretted it afterward hahah). We ate tons of YUMMY food (the Ericksons are famous for that), and went to Horseshoe Lake and canoed one day. We also put on quite the skit for Saturday night entertainment if I do say so myself! Did anyone get pictures or video?? I wish I would have thought of that at the time! It was the deal where one person lays on the ground, and the other person straddles over them hiding their legs, so it looks like their legs are really the persons lying on the ground and they're super flexible (are you following me?) Anyway, Sarah, Sherri, and I were the legs, and Gabby, Emily, and Jared were the tops. We started out with some yoga stretches, then transitioned into a great dance routine that me and Emily choreographed to "I need a Hero" (the 80s song on Footloose). Jared dancing with my legs on bottom had to have been quite the sight. I wish I could have seen it. haha!

All in all, the trip was a success! Emmett loves the outdoors, so he was content with all the new scenery to take in. Everything went pretty smooth and I was so relieved. He also got to wear some of his hand-me-down winter clothes, which he hasn't been able to down in Provo since it's so warm. He looked A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E in them! I snapped a pic of a couple of his outfits for you :-) I really wish I would have taken more pictures, but I was pretty preoccupied and needed an extra set of hands!

Hitting Home

So remember that river trail I posted so lovingly about 4 posts ago? The one I abandoned my treadmill for? Last Wednesday, a girl was severely beat, raped, and left for dead while on the very same trail. You can view the news story about it here.

The attack happened right in the middle of the day, around 3:30. I am in shock. I can't believe something like that happened so close to me, that someone could really do that to another human being. What really gives me the chills is that I ran on that trail alone the day that happened. Just a couple hours after. It is so frightening to think how easily that could have been me. I was always nervous while running on that trail, constantly looking over my shoulder, and breathing sighs of reliefs when I saw groups of people up ahead. But I don't think I ever really expected something like this to happen, especially not something of this magnitude.

Friday night I returned back to the gym where I will continue to run from now on. As I was driving home, I was thinking about that poor girl, and I kind of got hit with a wave of emotions for her. She is so young, and because of the heartless, brutal actions taken against her that day, her life will never be the same. On top of all the emotional issues she will deal with for years to come, the police say she has physical injuries that will most likely be lifelong. This is someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's best friend. An innocent 19 year old girl that was attending college. My heart breaks for her, and for the fact that its no longer safe for women to do something as basic as exercising outdoors.

Confessions of an Ophidiophobiac

I don't know what it takes to qualify your fear as a legitimate phobia, but I'm pretty sure mine's the real deal. I'm TERRIFIED of snakes. Unfortunately, I spotted a couple on my river trail run the other day. TWO in one run. I had to come home and take a shower, and I still have the heebie jeebies from it. lol. (I laugh, but really this is no joking matter).
It's not like these were even rattlesnakes or some poisonous kind, they were just watersnakes (according to Jared. I'm not an expert on snake breeds, but it makes sense since they were next to the river). Here's how it went down.
Encounter #1: Running merrily along my way and see some girl walking toward me up ahead. It looks like there's something dangling from  her hands. I squint as I run closer thinking "no, it couldn't be", then sure enough... it is. I see it's hanging body wriggling and freak out and jump as far to the other side of the trail as I can. Now I have to point out this was some crazy Hot Topic teenager. No offense to any Hot Topic fans, but really what other kind of person would see a snake slithering along the road and decide to go pick it up and bring it with them?! Maybe she was planning on doing some type witchcraft with it. I don't know. I picked up my pace a little, and ran off thoroughly unsettled. About a quarter mile later...
Encounter #2: Still freaked out from encounter #1, a snake pops out of nowhere and slithers with superspeed across the road right in front of me. Ahhh! My skin crawls and I am so glad I am coming up on the end of the trail.

I get home and tell Jared about my creepy excursion, and he just doesn't get it. He describes snakegrass to me, and tells me that basically wherever there's snakegrass, there is snakes. His description is "tall grass, that is seperated in bunches, and has fuzzy type stuff at top".

Fast forward a day later to my next run. I am on edge, and keeping my eye focused alongside me for snakegrass. Much to my chagrin, there were about 15 variations of grass next to me during my WHOLE run, and they ALL fit Jared's description (After looking at this picture, turns out NONE of them actually were snakegrass). I was on pins and needles the whole time, expecting a snake to pop out at any given second. All the sudden I hear a rustle in the grass. I about jumped out of my skin. I look over to the left as fast as I can....and out pops a little quail. Though I was safe that time, I kept my guard up for the remainder of my run. Luckily I didn't have any more sightings.

When I returned home, I told Jared about how paranoid his snakegrass lesson made me, and my scary experience with the quail. He cracked up and said "I figured educating you would make you not as afraid". "NO", I responded, "there's a reason I have to close my eyes and flip the channel the second a snake comes on TV!"  Ignorance is bliss. He tried to tell me some mumbo jumbo about the snake being one of God's creatures. Lucky for him, I corrected him. "No, the serpent is a tool of Satan, and was cursed to have no legs".
"What are you really afraid is going to happen?", Jared asked. "Well that one will hear me coming, get scared, and try to go to the other side of the road really fast, but will end up landing right by or under my shoe, and get scared and try to bite me! Or that I'll step on it or something." These are the things I constantly live in fear of.
Jared maintains that even if I stepped on the snake it wouldn't bite me, but I'm not believing him for a second. He says the thing he's afraid of when I go on my runs is creepster guys. He said "Tell you what, why don't you wear a little fanny pack when you run with mace in it. That way you can use it on any predator that comes along and if it makes you feel better, you can use it on a snake if you see it." Genius idea! I don't even know what a snake would do if I sprayed it with mace. Would it even hurt it? Would it freak out and bite me? Hmmm maybe not such a good idea.
Until I figure out a better solution, I will just have to continue facing my fear every other day. Pray for me. And let me know if you can shed any light on this snake/mace situation. Now excuse me while I go jump in the shower.