I think part of me was holding onto the slim hope that it wouldn't rear its ugly head, or that I'd at least make it a few more weeks to 36. I was forced to confront the fears I'd been battling on a daily basis: How long was I going to admitted to the hospital for? Hours? Days? Weeks? and who was going to take care of Emmett? Miraculously my sisters were still in town from the baby shower, but I knew they only had a few days left. What about after that? How was the baby's health going to be? Would it be long term NICU again? How could I juggle the NICU while being a mom to Emmett? And most importantly, but the one I tried to avoid... Was I going to be okay? Asking myself that question always resulted in tears.
I tried to pull myself together, called Jared, called my Mom, then ran home and grabbed my bag - which had basically been packed ever since 26 weeks- and hopped into the passenger seat so Kaity and Emmett could drive me down to be admitted. Let's just say I am jealous of moms who get to experience that excited "my baby is coming!" feeling when heading to the hospital.
I was so grateful Kaity and Emmett were there while I was getting checked in (and that Emmett had fallen asleep on the drive there). Being seperated from him indefinitely was the concern weighing heavily on my mind, so it felt good to not be yanked apart so suddenly.
Once it had been confirmed my blood pressures were sky high, protein was in my urine, and the headache was setting in, I was immediately hooked up to Magnesium (to prevent me from seizing) and an IV. *Sidenote: My arm was SO swollen and tight, starting the IV was near impossible, and one attempt even resulted in a bent needle! After I was hooked up on all the goods, I was moved to my first room (in L&D). Basically when I sat up or laid in any position other than my left side my blood pressure was in the dangerous stroke zone. This resulted in me being forced to lay on my left side for FAR too long! Every time I complained the nurse just came and stuck another pillow somewhere. Since my cuff was set to take my pressure every 30 mins, whenever my reading was high I'd get reprimanded for not relaxing and being far enough on my left side. I love how they try to coerce pre-eclampsia patients in "relaxation". A bit contradictory!
Despite my less-than-ideal state, I had been deemed stable and the doctors advised me to hunker down and make myself "at home" for the long haul. I was a mess. The uncertainty of everything for an uncertain amount of time, was just too much to handle. I wanted to be at home snuggling Emmett, and it would just break my heart when he asked if I was going to come home. I had to make the decision the first night what route I wanted to go for delivery. I was excited about trying a VBAC (normal birth) in my appts, but being induced was intimidating on top of the situation. Especially because first time labors are generally long and induced labors makes it even longer. Yet, I still decided I wanted to do it. It had so many benefits and I was still traumatized from my awful c-section last time.
Things were more or less the same for the first few days. Just battling my pressures, headaches, and heartburn, and devastation of still being there!Jared, Kirsten, and Kaity were all rotating shifts at the hospital with me and at home taking care of Emmett.
The docs had moved my over to Antepartum, anticipating me to be a long term patient (when they try to tell you "antepartum is better, youre going to love it" dont believe them! lies! haha) At this point I was conviced I was going to be there for weeks.
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| This is the chair my poor visitors slept in |
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| I asked Kirsten and Kaity to bring me a calendar for my room because I was losing track of the days |
With pre-eclampsia, however, the tables can turn in the blink of an eye. That night I knew something was wrong. I kept telling my nurses, who didnt seem worried. I felt like since it was Antepartum and their patients generally weren't high risk, they weren't on alert. I was getting frustrated and requested to see doctor. Of course my doctor was off for the night, so in comes the hospitalist OB.
"What does it feel like?" she said.
"It feels like pre-eclampsia. I've gone through this before".
(In her southern drawl) "Your numbers are stable, are you sure you're not just anxious because you don't want to be here? Anyone would be climbing the walls by now" (She signed herself up on my bad list real quick).
"No, something's wrong. I can feel it"
"I'm going to give you something for anxiety, and see if we can get you relaxed so you can rest"
Okay lady, do what you will, but this isn't my first rodeo...
When I awoke early that morning, I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was drowning. I called in my nurse who checked my oxygen saturation, confirmed I wasn't breathing right, and hooked me up on oxygen. Luckily my doctor was back now. Wahoo! He sent me for a chest x-ray which showed my lungs were indeed filled with fluid - no wonder I felt like I was drowning. Pre-eclampsia causes excess fluid EVERYWHERE. Clearly around your whole body (causing you to look like the Michelin Man), around your brain (which causes the incredibly painful headache), and eventually your lungs. The doctor informed me I'd be transferred back to Labor & Delivery where he'd induce me.
Hours later, I was back over in L&D but the pre-eclampsia had been escalating quickly. The blood pressure medicines were no longer controlling my pressure properly, even given intravenously. My doctor decided we didn't have time to try labor anymore, we needed to do surgery. Even though it was dissappointing, at this point I was relieved. I was in no shape to voluntarily bring on labor! I WAS terrified about surgery though. Just to remind you, I wasn't numb during my first c-section (Yes, they'd given me an epidural but started too quickly and it hadn't taken effect).
I asked if I could be put under this time because I didn't know if I could handle it, but no dice. The type of anesthesia they'd have to use was dangerous for the baby. So I had about an hour to psych myself out and wrap my mind around the fact that soon I'd be strapped down to the operating table again. That hour is the worst! I hate waiting for them to come get you! As they were wheeling me back to the OR, it felt surreal. It was such deja vu. How am I doing this again?! It feels like the first time was just last year. Am I crazy for even being in this predicament again?!
Poor Kaity was left out in the waiting area by herself and I'm sure she was a bundle of nerves as well. They didn't allow Jared to come in til I was all the way prepped, so I was wheeled in solo - scared as can be!
I made sure the anesthesiolgists knew my history and they were awesome. I loved those guys. They were totally comforting and understanding. They assured me we were in no hurry and wouldn't start til I was nice and numb. One even hugged me and patted my back while the other hooked up my spinal block in the back. My back was so swollen it took him a few tries to get it inserted in the right place. When he hit a wrong spot I'd feel a really sharp, painful twinge in my leg, which scared me to death! Finally it was in and I was laid back on the table. Go time!
I was so nervous I was shaking like crazy. Finally Jared came in. "Hold my hand!" I told him, "Try to stop me from shaking". I just kept laying there, willing my body to shake as little as possible, and trying to compose myself. Finally I looked over at Jared nervously, "Have they started yet?"
He looked over the sheet and back at me and nodded yes. "You can't feel that?", he asked incredulously.
"No", I said as my eyes filled up with tears. Thank heavens!!! It had started! And I didn't even know!! What a stark contrast from last time. I was so grateful I couldn't hold back my emotions. It was at that point I could finally turn my thoughts to the baby and say to myself "hey, this is exciting! You're about to have your baby! You did it!!!"
...to be continued :-)
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